"You Annoy Me" or "I'm Busy This Month"

There's a long list of parenting things that I'm not particularly good at, including:

• Arts & Crafts
• Cooking actual meals
• Math homework
• Braiding hair
• Limiting video game time

As my children grow older, however, I find their friendships to be one of the most challenging aspects of parenting. 

I imagine every parent has been in the difficult position of comforting their child after they've been hurt by a friend. An unkind word, a new bff, a phone call that's never returned. These are painful experiences even for adults, but can be devastating to a child whose world is their friends. There simply are no words that can make it all better when the girl or boy you thought was your bff decides to not invite you to their birthday party. Trust me, I've tried to explain that one.

When you're first in the terrible position of healing the hurts inflicted upon your child, it never occurs to you that someday the tables will turn and your child will be the one in a position to hurt another. And I have to confess that I can't figure out any way around it without encouraging accepting my child lying to that friend.

The reality is that kids at this age outgrow one another, discover qualities they don't like in each other, and simply stop enjoying each other's company. When this happens and it's not mutual, interactions become awkward. I figure there are three options when your child finds him/herself in this situation:

1. Grin and bear it and maintain a friendship they're no longer interested in
2. Tell the other child they no longer like them want to hang out 
3. Lie and tell the "friend" they are being forced to spend time with their family (against their will, of course), they're grounded, or they're suffering from the bubonic plague

Grinning and bearing isn't easy or fair, and telling the other kid the truth is brutal (for both parties). That's why I'm in the unChristian camp of believing a small fib to avoid hurting someone is better than the ugly truth. I realize that this doesn't always solve the problem (particularly with children that don't easily pick up on "hints"). I also know that this is akin to teaching your child it's okay to lie, but I'm at a loss for a better way to manage the rocky road of tween and teenage friendships.

So, Freakin' Angel readers, what say you? I'm looking for advice here.Seriously. And yes, you can tell me I'm a terrible mom to think it's ever okay to lie...But I know you're lying if you claim you've never done it yourself.

Now, please excuse me. My alma mater is on the phone looking for donations. I have to tell them I'm the babysitter and Kim "Shimmer" isn't home...

When the Bad Guys Move In

A friend of mine is living in a neighborhood that's "going to pot." Literally. Last week she learned that drug deals have been taking place in a house just around the corner. In fact, this past spring a SWAT team busted down the door, momentarily inconveniencing the entrepreneur(s) who spent no time in jail and apparently are now back in business.

You may think my friend must live in a rough neighborhood. On the contrary. She lives in a perfectly nice neighborhood in one of the best school districts in the Delaware Valley. The folks in this neighborhood are middle upper class and diverse in age and ethnicity. There are many families with young children. Some empty nesters. Several retired folks. They have block parties and a book club. And now they have a drug dealer.

Residents in this neighborhood have called the police to alert them to this renewed activity, but you have to wonder what will be done to get rid of the problem once and for all. Since the perps are white, they are less likely to go to jail than if they were minorities who have disproportionate numbers being imprisoned. Having the distinction of incarcerating its citizens at the highest rate of any nation, U.S. prisons are already bursting at their seams*. When looked at from afar it's fairly easy to say we need to reconsider whom we're imprisoning (based on the crime and the individual's history) and do a better job of addressing rates of recidivism. We might even say that a non-violent individual selling drugs out of their home (or their grandfather's home in this particular case) isn't someone we should spend taxpayer dollars on to put away for awhile. And if you want to be all compassionate and Christian-like about it, doesn't everyone deserve a second chance? But the key word in this paragraph is "afar." Tunes change when the criminal activity is taking place in your own backyard.

I imagine even the most liberal, criminal justice policy wonk wouldn't want a drug dealer living next door. It's amazing how your perspective shifts when an issue begins to affect you personally. I'm not sure what the answer is in this case:

• Sell your house and move out before the neighborhood gets a bad reputation
• Turn a blind eye and hope for the best
• Hound the police until something is done
• Take matters into your hands? (My dad would put up his deer hunting tree stand and sit up there with a BB gun.) 
• Ask the dealers if they're looking for a business partner or will offer you commission on customer referrals? 

What are your thoughts on the matter?

*My information comes from Ministry with Prisoners & Families: The Way Forward by Wilson Goode Sr. (yes, that Wilson Goode), Charles Lewis, and Harold Dean Trulear. Judson Press published their book earlier this year.

Next Year, I'm Riding!

Yesterday was one of those days that leaves your heart and soul feeling happy and full. And I didn't have to step into a church or listen to a sermon to achieve such a lovely state. Instead, I started off my morning hanging out with several hundred bikers.

I like bikers. They're one of those easily stereotyped groups that often give you what you least expect, and yesterday was no exception. Hundreds of them turned out at the Camden riverfront on a cold and cloudy morning for the 2011 Ride for Autism Speaks. Our friends Doug and Mo started this fundraising event a few years ago to support the nation's largest autism science and advocacy organization. The whole OBX spring break vacation contingent volunteered in the past and this year my family participated for the first time, joining  in this great cause and having a great time in the process:

• Mo, Rob, and Emily helped at registration
• Ian and his buddy Noah staffed the coffee station 
• Abby and her sister-from-another-mother Maddie sold duct tape bracelets and hair bows at their own booth (making $80!)
• And Dave, Dave, Karen and I manned the Iron Hill Brewery tent, giving away free hot dogs and chili to bikers who made regular jokes about the dangers of chili on a 60-mile ride to Atlantic City. I should note that they were also surprisingly concerned about getting chili on their clothes, despite the fact that 99% of them were wearing black.Who knew bikers were such neat freaks?

Our rough and tough and often scary looking biker guys and gals tipped generously for their healthy hot dog breakfast, bought duct tape bracelets in cool colors, and supported the ride with their registration fees. And not one of them used foul language, started a brawl, or terrorized a small child. So much for stereotypes. One thing I particularly enjoyed was a brief prayer led by a member of the Christian Motorcycle Association. These men and women looked no more angelic than their counterparts, but they shared their faith in Jesus Christ while asking the Lord to look after all the bikers on their upcoming ride. It was a very cool moment.

The most memorable experience of the whole morning, however, was "kickstands up," when Ben (Doug and Mo's son), gave the bikers the order to start their engines. Imagine hearing more than 500 motorcycles roar to life at one time, and watch them row by row filing out behind a police escort (here's a brief video clip!). They honked and waved while we volunteers cheered them on and thanked them for being part of this event which brought in more than $37,000 in donations.

I think my only disappointment of the morning was not having been prepared with a leather jacket, gloves, and a helmet. Next year, I'm jumping on the back of one of those bikes and riding along. Join us!

Ready with "Kickstands up"

P.S. If your life has been touched by someone with autism, I highly recommend Kathleen Deyer Bolduc's honest, humorous, and inspiring book, Autism & Alleluias. Her stories about life with Joel, her young adult son, will touch you!

10 Things You'll Never Hear at Citizens Bank Park

As we prepare for October baseball, I am fairly certain you will never hear these words uttered at a home Phillies game:

1. I sure wish they’d stop showing busty chicks on Fanavision.
2. The food at the ballpark is a bargain!
3. I hear Hunter Pence is a moron Mormon.
4. We'd be in great shape if we only had some quality pitchers.
5. That Freakin’ Angel Kim sure does get lousy seats.
6. The Phanatic is the dumbest mascot ever.
7. It's incredibly annoying when the Liberty Bell lights up and rings.
8. I can’t believe we have to sit through another post season.
9. I feel bad for the Mets.
10. This winning thing is getting old.

Let's Go, Phillies! See you at the Park.

Give Us a Call When it's Your Turn

I am not the picture of tact or decorum. I also work in marketing. The two may be related, although Christian publishing doesn't really give my tackiness an opportunity to shine. Still, it takes a lot to offend me. There was that KY ad last year, and now, Arlington Family Services has won my yuck award.

When I saw the envelope in the mail with the return address of "Arlington Family Services," my first thought was that one of the kids had reported us for neglect. Most likely Ian since we left him at the soccer field on Sunday. (It was totally his fault). With my heart pounding and my blood pressure elevated, I opened the envelope to find...a letter from a funeral home/cemetery. This is what it said:

With the recent passing of your neighbor, Arlington Family Services would like to express our condolences. It is a sad time for all who know this family. They will need your support and prayers. 

We are grateful to our families that put their trust in us to perpetually care for their departed loved ones. 

Over the past 115 years, Arlington Cemetery has provided  a beautiful and tranquil place...We welcome our community to pay our facility a visit and see why our families feel such comfort knowing that their loved one is in good hands.

The problems with this letter are truly too numerous to mention, but I'll give it my best shot:

1. What if I had no idea someone died? You could have at least told me who you were talking about.
2. What if the person who died was my mortal enemy? Maybe his dog pooped on my lawn and his kid ran over my flowers and he kept me awake playing the bongo naked all hours of the night (or that might just be my Matthew McConaughey fantasy). In that case I would not want their condolences, I might want their congratulations.
3. What if the family of the person who died are atheists or agnostics and don't believe in prayer? 
4. "Their loved one is in good hands?" Yes, for us Christians, those hands are God's. If you don't believe in God or heaven, good hands don't matter either way. Dead is dead. Nothing you can do to improve upon this. Sorry if I'm unwilling to give Arlington Family Services credit for walking the deceased into the great hereafter. 

And then there is the sheer tackiness of using someone's death to promote your services. Yes, realtors regularly take advantage of a neighbor selling their home to promote themselves, but home sales are frequently a good thing, or at least they're rarely a terribly sad thing. The realtor may want you to know a neighbor is selling to help them find a buyer (which you might be happy to do, particularly if you don't like them--see #2 above), or they may want you to know they sold your neighbor's home which is a bit braggity, but might also bring you joy if you didn't like your neighbor (see #2 above). 

Frankly, I would have more respect for a notice that said:

"Your neighbor [name here] has passed away. We thought you would want to know so you can send a sympathy card. Or throw a party, depending on how you felt about them." 

The approach Arlington Family Services has taken is a turn off all the way around. It's not honest, it's not sympathetic, it's just yucky.

Disagree with me? I'd love to know how you can possibly justify this tacky approach to marketing you see it. Do tell.

P.S. Did I mention they included a business card? I'll be sure to hang that on my bulletin board so I know who to call when it's time to select the "good hands" to guide me into life eternal.

Scientists Identify Painful Maternal Condition

Scientists have made a not-so-astonishing discovery that they have termed "maternitis." For purposes of this blog, however, we will call it the mom-factor. Or "MF" for short (go ahead, add the "er" on there; you know you want to). Every mom has experienced this maddening condition. It starts out innocently enough, usually in the familiar setting of the home. It often looks something like this:

Mom and dad are in the house at the same time. They may even be in the same room. It's possible they are actually sitting next to each on the couch. 

Enter offspring in need.

And MF kicks in. When afflicted with maternitis, a child will lose sight of their father. Some sort of paternal eclipse occurs, a temporary blinding that leaves the child unable to recognize the man in the house as one of the individuals responsible for their very existence.

What transpires next is mysterious and upsetting and not for the faint of heart.

The child in need, like a heat-seeking missile, will always seek out mom.

Mom may be sitting at the table with Dad. She's surrounded by a dozen large books and furiously working on her doctoral dissertation. Dad is reading the sports section. As a result of maternitis, the child will immediately throw him/herself at mom with a request for help studying for a spelling quiz. Or he/she may ask why there are no clean cereal bowls. And apparently clean underwear are also in short supply. And only Mom can handle any of these requests.

Disturbingly, maternitis has also been known to attack when Mom is not at home. Say, for example, that she has been out  for the evening drinking with friends at a PTA meeting or charity function. Upon returning home around 10:00 p.m., one or more of her offspring announces he/she is "starving." It appears that, while blinded with MF, the child did not consider asking Dad for food. Had Mom not returned home in time, said child may have starved to death.

Unfortunately, maternitis does not only occur in the home. Consider these documented cases:

• At the beach, Mom and Dad will both be catching up on their reading. Mom reading the latest guide to world peace; dad reading Calvin & Hobbes. Child will request Mom's assistance with sunscreen, castle building, and boogie boarding. Visions of dad have again been mysteriously blocked, not by the sun, but by MF.
• While dad is driving during a 12-hour trip to a vacation destination, the children will require Mom's full attention and assistance in playing Travel Bingo, watching for state license plates, and finding the lost DS game, pencil, and friendship bracelet material. When Mom takes her turn behind the wheel, however, the children will rest/read/play nicely in the back seat allowing Dad to sleep or read in peace. 
• At a sporting event, Mom is busy keeping score and evaluating player performance for her scouting report while Dad is drinking a beer and checking out the ball girl. Children will request that Mom purchases them a soda and cotton candy, and will then require mom to get them to the bathroom so they can be sick from too much sugar. Dad will request another beer.

While maternitis affects only children, scientists are researching the possibility that this condition is closely related to OMSE---Only Mom Sees It. This condition, which has been known to afflict both men (husbands, fathers, living partners) and children, results in vision problems that can persist indefinitely if not immediately treated. Testing for OMSE includes placing a dead body in the center of a room in the home and asking family members to walk through this space. If they step over the deceased, perhaps complaining of the stench, then there is a high probability of an OMSE diagnosis.

If you or someone you know appears to be the victim of a child or spouse with MF or OMSE, please consider seeking immediate medical attention. Doctors familiar with these conditions will immediately prescribe Mom with Xanax or other mind-numbing pharmaceutical.

Good luck, and God bless.

Read 'Em and Weep?

I work in publishing. I know how difficult it is to get published. I know it's even more difficult to actually sell significant copies of your book if you do get published. With more than 250,000 new titles being released every year (in the U.S. alone), standing out from the crowd is no easy task. That's partly why I have made no real attempt to write my own. That, and my friend Emily never set a time for me to work on it. (You'll recall I require external motivation.)

Right now I find myself in the interesting--and new--position of being asked to review someone's book. Not someone who is publishing with us (Judson Press). Not a friend. Not even a no-name author self-publishing his literary masterpiece. I have been sent an advance reader copy of a Christian fiction book from FaithWords, the Christian imprint of Hachette Book Group USA, a major U.S. publisher. The author is a blogger whose posts I really enjoy. This will be his second book. His first, also Christian fiction, did very well. 

Frankly, I was a little surprised to receive a review copy of his upcoming book. I did offer to participate in his blog tour, but figured with a blog titled "Freakin' Angels" and my let-it-all hang-out content, a Christian writer might stay away from a not-always-appropriate Christian like me. But they're gutsy at those big NYC publishing houses, so I received the book with a letter asking me for a review.

I have now spent a couple weeks reading this book and I'm about one-third of the way into it. And I don't love it. But I don't hate it either. Frankly, I don't care about it, and the opposite of love isn't hate but indifference. When your writing doesn't move readers in some way, they're not going to discuss it with others and word of mouth is the very best way to sell books.

I am frustrated and disappointed in this, my first book review experience. Here's an author whose blog posts never fail to inspire me and engage me emotionally and spiritually. But his book has left me cold. I don't particularly care for the characters. The writing is pretty average. The setting in no way appeals to me. It appears that his blog writing skills don't translate into equally compelling fiction.


Right now I'm sure some kind, considerate, and less critical soul is saying, "Maybe it's just not your style." "Maybe you're not the target audience." "Do you even like Christian fiction as a genre?" "Perhaps you'll like this book by the end so you shouldn't judge it so harshly now." Those are all legitimate points.

So here's my dilemma. Assuming I don't care for the book if/when I finish it. Do I:

• Write an honest and objective review, highlighting the good, noting the weaknesses, acknowledging my biases?
• Write a positive review only focusing on what was good about the book and who it will appeal to?
• Not write a review at all?

No pressure, but I'm eagerly awaiting your advice...

Note: I purposely have not shared the name of the author or the title of the book. I want to first decide if I'm willing to be public about my feelings for it.