Freakin' Angel Friendship Finder [Beta version]

Last Monday, during my discovery of the "Fountain of Delight," my friend Kim announced that there was the possibility of someone new in her life. (Scandalous!) I don't recall the exact connections, but someone Kim knows suggested that she and so-and-so would really hit it off. Even though so-and-so lived in another city (D.C.?), she and Kim became Facebook acquaintances, and then, ironically enough, so-and-so just bought a house in our community. Kim is looking forward to the possibility of someone new joining our circle of friends. (So-and-so is a woman.) We're even considering waiving the membership fee and forgoing the initiation rites.

I don't know about you, but no matter how old I get, making new friends is still pretty exciting. Even more special than when we were little kids and could just walk up to someone and ask, "Do you want to be friends?" New friendships at our age have the advantage of being--for the most part--free of the drama we experienced as teens, and they don't hold the painful realities associated with college friends with whom we bond and then must part.

In the past six months or so, I have been blessed to add a few new friends to my list. And yes, I do keep a list in a little book in my nightstand. Just like my dad who regularly updates the list of people whom he likes enough to invite to his funeral. Or likes enough to give me permission to invite to his funeral, since he himself won't be able to do the asking.

In order to appear on my registry of friends, there are certain qualifications that one must possess. If you're wondering whether you're one of the chosen, this short quiz should give you a fairly good idea of where you stand:

Freakin' Angel Friendship Finder [Beta version]

1. Do you think snark or sarcasm is "the devil's language?"
2. Do you mind picking up the tab when your friends don't have cash on them?
3. Are you easily embarrassed by a friend's particularly loud laughter, whether at a restaurant or in a movie theater?
4. Is anything off limits in conversation with friends?
5. Do you have a problem with sobbing phone calls at 2 a.m.?
6. Can you easily sooth a friend's ego, assuring her, on an as-needed basis, that she's funny, smart, attractive and/or a good mom?
7. Will you gladly trade outfits with your friends at a clothing swap?
8. Are you okay with a friend who goes to bed before you've left their party? 
9. Do you find those who speak truth to power to be refreshing in a world of sissies? 
10. Would it be super cool to be written about in a friend's blog?

How to score your results:

• If you answered "no" to the first five questions and "yes" to questions 6-10, we are soul mates.
• If you answered "no" to at least three of the first five questions and "yes" to at least three of the last five questions, serious potential exists for a long-term relationship.
• If you answered "no" to only one or two of the first five questions, and "yes" to just one or two of the last five questions, we can probably hang out, but we'll both be most comfortable socializing within a group. 
• If you answered "yes" to questions 1-5 and "no" to questions 6-10, why are you even reading this blog? 

Don't let your quiz results deter you from trying to become my friend. Lots of attention and flattery can go a long way. I also find that it's easiest to become friends with women who have the same names as other women I'm friends with. I'm pleased to say that my newest friends -- Cathy, Aimee and Lisa -- have the exact same names as my college roommates! How great is that?

All kidding aside, this friendship stuff is serious business. Allow me to illustrate my point:

Rob and I have been talking about and looking forward to our 10-year plan, which involves some major life changes. In 10 years, the kids will be done with college (or I'll have cut them off financially), I'll no longer have to work at a university for tuition assistance, and Rob will have had enough of mediocre-at-best baseball seasons. Our 10-year plan has us moving south, somewhere close to the beach, where we'll simplify our lives with a refreshingly small piece of land that requires little to no maintenance since I'm the only one who does any yard work around here, dammit. Sounds great, right? The only possible glitch in our plans? My freakin' friends.

Frankly, I can't imagine life without them. And Facebook posts and the occasional text are not going to cut it. I need them close by so that when I have a free evening I can ask them to treat me to a margarita margaritas. I need to be able to count on their hugs, the sense of community I feel when I'm with them, and the clothing swaps. I wouldn't want to miss Karen's crab fest, New Year's Eve at the Mendell's, Cathie's Mardi Gras party, or Theresa's Labor Day get-together. And what would we do without the annual MacShimer bonfire? Just thinking about it makes me teary. But then again, my son would tell you that the sun coming up each day makes me teary. He's a smart ass.

As much as it pains me to think about moving on, for once in my life I'm going to try something new. I'm not going to move myself mentally or emotionally into the future. I'm going to enjoy every minute I spend with my wonderful friends, instead of wasting time worrying about what's next. I've missed out on a lot of good memories because my sights were always set on tomorrow.

Just one last thing. The Freakin' Angel Friendship Finder does not take into account ones material possessions. Please note that those individuals with a boat (who are willing to take me out on it) and/or a beach house (who are willing to invite me to it), are automatically added to the friend registry. With just the purchase of a boat or house, you too can ensure your place on the list!

Grumpy Old Woman

A foreshadowing of things to come?

I turned 44 last month. One year closer to my mid-40s and middle age. I'm not often bothered by getting older, except for the gray hair and the hearing loss and my complete inability to read a pill bottle without glasses. The one real concern I have, however, is my potential for becoming a mean, grumpy, crotchety old woman. I'm already seeing signs:

1. The "fun" I have being snarky, sassy and sarcastic in my blog is slipping over into "real life." For example, during his last visit to PA, I scolded my 4-year-old nephew for eating some of the rice from my Chinese food. I wasn't serious, of course (though I really don't like sharing my rice), but he gave me the death stare and then burst into tears. Damn kids and their tears. They'll do whatever it takes to get what they want. 
   Same thing happened when I saw some kids with their dad in a Dunkin' Donuts when I was on my way to Dutch Wonderland. I casually mentioned I was going there and how lucky I was and what a shame that their dad wasn't taking them somewhere cool like that. Again, the death stare (from the dad) and the tears (from the kids). Whatever.
2. As I'm getting older, my confidence/attitude is leaning more toward "I don't give a damn." I feel like Kathy Bates in "Fried Green Tomatoes" when she goes a little nuts and tells those bitches in the parking lot at Winn-Dixie "Face it girls, I'm older and I have more insurance" (see video below).
3. I'm more easily angered. Anger was never a prevalent emotion for me, but lately, perhaps because of the uptick in bullsh*t in my life, I definitely have a greater tendency for getting ticked off. Where I used to have a "stay out of it, keep your mouth shut, what's the point of starting something" attitude, I now feel like calling out people who are arrogant, talk out of both sides of their mouth, and don't stand up for what is right.
4. I'm becoming defensive and starting to think that "don't go down without a fight" is a way of life that I've overlooked for too long.
5. My skin is thickening. Someday I'll resemble a reptile. I'm learning, rather late in life, that it I have to toughen up if I'm going to survive in this world. Yes, there are people who don't like me. There are those who think I'm too outspoken. Some who don't think I'm "nice." Not being loved and adored used to bother me (just a few months ago), but my corporate bitch of a sister gave me a good talking to and set me straight.
6. Finally, I need increasing amounts of alone/down time. I don't want to answer the phone, respond to texts, send emails, go to meetings, visit friends, cook dinner, run errands or even write blog posts. After a full day at work, all I want is to curl up with my iPad, and sometimes my cat, and fall asleep nice and early.

As evidence of this "change" (not the change, I hope), I'm finding the greatest enjoyment in spending time with my family (at least when I can't be alone). I actually like my kids' company, and that's saying something given that they're teenagers. Even better is a day on the boat with my parents (and the kids, too, assuming they're not whiny). And for a little slice of heaven give me a getaway with Rob and throw in a dear friend or two. 

As often happens when I put my issues/feelings/angst/funkapotomusness into writing, I'm blessed with some insight. The occasional "A Ha!" moment. Having put it all out there, it occurs to me that at least some of my personality disorder changes can be attributed to evolving family dynamics. I have two children who are torpedoing toward independence. I've also experienced entirely too much loss in the past nine months. In addition to the understandable haywire affect it's having on my emotions, this loss and change is calling me to re-prioritize. And shocker -- it looks like family really does come first, with friends and faith right up there as well. What's less important is the stress of a job, the need for a clean and tidy home, and social obligations with people I really don't want to spend my valuable time with. 

Today I leave for vacation -- Breckenridge, CO -- and it can't come soon enough. It's been a tough summer. It's been a tough year. I'm ready to get away from it all and focus on the stuff that matters. I may even refrain from checking my work email. 

Just one more thing. Before you think I've truly become an evil person, I didn't actually torture some stranger's kids at Dunkin' Donuts. You didn't really think I could actually be so heartless, did you?

No Fish, but a More Than Fine Time

On Friday I was peaceful and content. Peaceful and content are a rare state for me that can only be achieved away from home. It's generally not the people at home that mess with my sense of well-being, it's my to do list.

My good feelings began on Thursday night when I sang a 90-minute solo concert en route to Waretown, New Jersey. Sometimes I enjoy driving alone just for the musical performance. When I arrived in Waretown at the B-Hive (a.k.a. the cottage), my parents were happy to see me. My parents are always happy to see me. Visiting my parents is like coming home to a dog without the licking, shedding, and crapping in the yard.

Friday night was a treat because my dad talked to me, and not just about taking the turns more slowly to save tire tread. No, my dad actually opened up and expressed his frustration at the infernal ringing in his ears and losing his hearing and how maddening it is to try to have a conversation with people when you have no idea what they're saying. We talked about a variety of topics and both fell asleep before we saw the Phillies lose. A nice way to spend the evening. [As a side note I'd like to warn you all away from Miracle Ear. You can take $6,000 and throw it away and get the same results my dad has had with Miracle Ear. It's a miracle he hasn't throttled the person who sold them to him.]

On Saturday morning we woke early at the B-Hive and headed to the marina to board the Wakakida, Dad's 22' Grady White. Our objective? Flounder. We slowly made our way through the wake-free zone until we reached Barnegat Bay and discovered complete serenity. The water as smooth as glass. The sun still in the process of rising. A line of non-threatening clounds hovering just above the horizon like a half-open window shade teasing at the treasures that lay beyond. Only a few other boats off in the distance. Boater's perfection.

What could possibly make the morning even better? How about a whale? Yep. A whale less than a mile off Barnegat Light. Breaching, spraying water out of its blowhole. An exciting first for me. You know what else makes a fishing trip memorable? Catching fish. I caught nada. Not a throw back. Not even a skate or a sea robin. Mom and Dad both caught nice 20-inchers, enough for me to bring home to feed my family. Yes, Mom and Dad are good to me.

The highlight of the trip? Clamming with my dad. We anchored the boat in about 3' of not nearly warm enough water in Barnegat Bay and slogged our way about a half mile till we reached the muck. The muck is where you find the clams. I'm not a fan of the muck, but I am a fan of my dad. And as I watched him drag his clamming rack along the bottom of the bay, it struck me that families have been doing just this for hundreds of years. Albeit without my dad's handcrafted stainless steel rake and the pool noodles being used to keep the bushel afloat. And as it occurred to me that this was a moment I'd never forget, my dad said "This is something you can always remember." And he recalled clamming 50+ years ago with his dad down near Beach Haven. They rented a small boat from Snuggery's Dock for $12 a day. It was $14 if you wanted one with a top on it.

My dad and I both have lived too much of our lives in a pretty dark place, but Friday was filled with light, literally and figuratively. My dad laughed and smiled and seemed more genuinely happy than I've seen him in a long, long time. I believe there's something about the wind and the water that breaks through whatever heaviness is weighing you down and blows away the cobwebs and the clouds that sometimes surround our hearts. 

Where do you find restoration and renewal? 

What brings you joy? 

In whose company do you find peace?