I Can Be Vanna!

I’m not the best barometer for sexism, probably because I have a number of shortcomings as a feminist. For example, I don’t have a problem with being “appreciated” for my physical features. This is partly due to the fact that, being in my mid-40s, I’ll take any compliment I can get, and also because, in the past, before I was married, I was known to acknowledge attractive male specimens.

So, if there’s a scale for feminism, with 1 being “you are an embarrassment to your gender” and 10 being “I refuse to even acknowledge that men and women have different body parts,” I’m a solid 5, or maybe a 6. My feminist beliefs include:

• Equal pay for equal work.
• Equal opportunities.*
• Equal respect and consideration. 
• All women should have the choice to do with their lives and bodies what they please.
• Mom doesn’t stay home and raise the kids because she’s the woman. If she stays home and raises the kids, it’s because she wants to. 
• Women around the world shouldn't be abused, bought and sold, subject to genital mutilation, or worse. Of course, no human being should be victimized in such unspeakable ways.
• History needs to acknowledge the contributions of women.
• Every woman is beautiful, and Barbie dolls shouldn’t be the standard we aspire to.
• No little girl should be told that she can’t do something "because she is just a girl."

Frankly, I would hope all women agree with those points.

On the other hand, I have some feelings that radical feminists (a broad term for which not all of these apply) might be displeased with, including:

• *Equal opportunity based on qualifications—don’t give me a job just because I’m a woman and you have to meet your quota (particularly true in the STEM fields). Give me a job because I deserve it. 
• A man complimenting you on your appearance is not despicable (unless he’s creepy and leering at you lasciviously; and/or he’s your boss or coworker and he acknowledges your legs and not your job performance).
• You can’t hate men for being men. 
• You can wear skirts and dresses and still believe in women’s rights.
• I’m not offended when God is referred to as “He.” 
• Women are no more superior to men then men are to women.
• Giving little girls dolls and dressing them in pink is not anti-feminist, as long as we’re also giving them Lincoln Logs and letting them wear whatever they want to when they’re old enough to dress themselves.

The point of all this is to say that I’m not one to quickly cry sexism at every perceived gender slight; therefore, when I say I was recently the victim of sexist behavior, I mean it.

Last week I attended a creativity and innovation workshop in which we formed teams and had to come up with a product or service, create a logo and prototype, and ultimately present to the rest of the group in a one-minute elevator pitch. I should add that I was one of only 3 women in a room filled with men, and the only woman on my team.

Appropriately, the category is "Around the House"

When it came time to present our idea—which I had proposed in the first place—one of my teammates strongly suggested, more than once, that I should be part of the presentation because “you’re a woman in a room full of men and you’ll get their attention.” To add insult to injury he then said, “You can be Vanna.”

Whew. For a minute there I thought he was going to actually encourage me to speak. Thankfully all he wanted was for me to hold the poster board and smile.

I’ve been asked how I reacted to this Neanderthal (who was in his 50s), and I’m ashamed to say I responded with nothing more than a “Ha.” Yes, I blew it. After the fact I thought of a number of appropriate comebacks, including:

• Too bad I didn’t wear my stilettos and a shorter skirt today. 
• After I play Vanna, can I get you a cool beverage and fawn over you?
• What decade is this? 
• No wonder more women don’t go into STEM careers if it’s filled with assholes like you. 

Women, I’d love to hear of your encounters with sexism, and men, I’d be interested to know if you think I’m overreacting, or if the guy really blew it. I should add that I don’t think he meant to offend; the problem is that he didn’t “think,” period. And that behavior is so ingrained in some men that they don’t even recognize that it’s wrong.

Share your stories, and suggest even better comebacks so if when it happens again, I won’t let the guy off the hook so easily.

11 Signs You Married the Right Guy (based on scientific research conducted with women who read nothing but romance novels)

I receive a daily email from Good Housekeeping. I do this because I like to pretend that someday I'll use that easy-to-make-with-home-ingredients facial mask, plant my own organic vegetable garden, and stitch that Home is Where the Heart Is sampler.

Last week my GH email featured the compelling headline: "11 Signs You Married the Right Guy." Being well aware that I married the right guy, I was eager to confirm how lucky I am. And, I'm all about lists these days. And Facebook quizzes that tell me which actor I should be with (Will Smith), which Downton Abbey character I'm most similar to (the Countess of Grantham), and where I should live (London). So the Good Housekeeping* lucky girl list went as follows:

1. He always brags about you. If you get a promotion at work or even just win concert tickets, he can't resist telling everyone you know before you even think to mention it. Because he's your biggest fan (arguably next to your mom).
2. Even after years together, he still does little chivalrous things for you. Like open doors for you or carry you to your doorstep when your feet hurt after wearing high heels all day and you just can't bear to walk one more step.
3. He doesn't try to change you. He knows you're messier than him, that you always need a pet cat, and can't cook to save your life, and all of that is all right by him.
4. "I miss you" isn't just a sweet thing you say. It's a reality. Even if it hasn't been that long (like, two hours) since you saw each other.
5. You can cry in front of him without feeling embarrassed. He knows when to worry and when you’re just caught up in a scene of a movie. 
6. When your friends complain about their significant others or the guys they've gone out with, you get kind of quiet because you don’t have much to contribute. You don’t want to brag, but you just don't have to deal with any of that nonsense because your significant other is great to you.
7. He’s close with your family, and he’s made sure you've gotten to know his. He’ll call your dad or your grandma without any hesitation. It just makes sense that you’d go to his nephew’s birthday party, even if he's not there. 
8. He cares about your friends. If one of them is having a bad day, he suggests you go spend time with her or invite her to join the two of you for dinner. If he hasn't heard someone’s name in a while, he asks how she’s doing. 
9. He lets you vent. Sometimes when something frustrates you, you just need to go over it again and again. He doesn't get annoyed at this, and he dismisses your apologies. The only thing that bothers him about the situation is that you’re upset and he wishes you weren't.
10. He tells you, out of the blue, that you look hot. And it’s on the day you didn't dry your hair or put on makeup or even change out of your T-shirt and sweatpants.
11. You can do things like travel together without fighting all the time. We've all seen (or been) that tragic couple fighting over where to get lunch at the airport. You can do tedious things with your S.O. without all this fighting.

My immediate reaction to this list is are you freakin' kidding me? "this is not for married people." At least not for people who've been married more than six months a year. Of all my married friends, only the couple without kids could possibly see themselves in this list. (Kids change everything.)

So let's dissect this. Actually, let's rewrite it so it reflects reality and not a romance novel:

1. He always brags about the kids. You brag about yourself to your mom and dad who think you're awesome for just waking up today.

2. Even after years together, he still does little chivalrous things for you. While he won't can't carry you to the doorstep when your feet hurt (because you've put on weight since you got married), he will go get the car so you don't have to walk as far. Then he'll give you sh*t for having worn high heels when he knows you're going to cry about them later.

3. He doesn't try to change you. He knows it's your job to change him. You know you're perfect just the way you are. And yes, he eats your lousy cooking just so he doesn't starve to death.

4. "I miss you" isn't just a sweet thing you say, it's actually bullcrap. It's code for "I'm having so much fun with the guys, but I don't want you to know because you'll make me feel guilty."

5. You can cry in front of him without feeling embarrassed. I You should hope so. If I was you were embarrassed to cry in front of my your husband, he'd never see me you. He knows not to worry because I'm you're just a emotional nutcase.

6. When your friends complain about their significant others, you get kind of quiet because their issues pale in comparison to yours. You don't want them to worry that you've married the wrong man.

7. He’s close with your family, and he’s made sure you've gotten to know his. And you both know there's a healthy dose of dysfunction on both sides. He’ll call your dad if house repairs are needed, and you'll be sick on the day of his nephew’s birthday party.

8. He cares about your friends. If one of them is having a bad day, he says, "Sucks being her, but I need you here to watch the kids so I can go to the gym for a couple hours." If he hasn't heard someone’s name in a while, he thanks God there's one less woman for him to deal with.

9. He lets you vent for about 10 minutes, during which time he wasn't listening anyway. Sometimes when something frustrates you, you just need to go over it again and again. He eventually gets totally annoyed at this 1) because he's watching the game, and 2) because if something needs fixing in your life, fix it already.

10. He tells you, out of the blue, that you look hot. And that's how you know it's time for sex.

11. You can do things like travel together without fighting all the time because you go to all-inclusive resorts where the drinks keep flowing and everyone is happy all the time.

Now that's much more accurate, don't you think?

Of course, this list in no way reflects my husband, because I know I married the right guy.

I just feel sorry for the rest of you.

*While Good Housekeeping was kind enough to share this terrific list, I recently discovered it was first published in Cosmopolitan, which explains a lot.

The Maternal Guilt Factor

For the past fourteen years I believed that my husband possessed truer maternal instincts than me. He shows more affection, is more eager to spend time with the kiddies, and is definitely quicker to respond to any signs of illness or injury than I am. Over time, however, I sense that he has been slowly working on me, chipping away at the thick protective coating that has limited the functionality of my maternal wiring. (Hey, I'm starting to sound like an engineer!) As a result, I now feel a more appropriate level of guilt every time I think I may be missing a mothering moment. And guilt is where my husband and I differ.

Rob feels a greater need to heal and protect than I do. And because he feels it, guilt transfers it to me. Whether the result of having what he perceives to be a more important or at least higher paying career, or a simple matter of it being the woman's job (which isn't a characteristically Rob approach to marriage or family), there is some expectation that after he has unintendedly guilted me into feeling properly maternal, I will do the right thing. The "right thing" generally being sacrificing my personal and professional needs to do what he believes is best for the children. Somehow, despite feeling that greater level of concern at the onset, Rob doesn't appear to experience the miserable internal conflict that turns otherwise composed, confident and professional career women into multiple personalities incapable of making rational decisions.

Yesterday Abby was on her fifth sick day, which started on Thursday with me staying home with her in the morning, and then abandoning her to be at work for an 11 a.m. meeting. During said meeting, Abby called me weeping to report that she thought she was going to throw up. Does it ever occur to the children to call their father at such moments? I called Rob and told him he needed to head home to be with her, and he did, because he had nothing that conflicted with him doing so. He left the next day for Spring Training. On Friday, Abby stayed home with Jess, our abandoning exchange student who was flying home that afternoon. For which I had to leave work early to handle the drop off. Over the weekend I missed everything I had on my calendar and by Sunday it was clear Abby wasn't returning to school on Monday. And Rob wasn't returning home until Monday evening.

With my calendar filled with back-to-back meetings on Monday, I seriously considered asking my husband to abandon his clients and catch an earlier flight home. (Couldn't someone else take them to dinner and drinks and make sure they made it to the airport? Wouldn't going home to his sick child score major sympathy sales points?) When we spoke on Sunday, however, it was clear no such thought had crossed his mind and that I was correct in not suggesting it. At this point I went through the always delightful internal dialogue that we full-time career moms suffer through:

Dammit. What do I do here? I can't leave her home alone. Even I know that that's not an acceptable solution. Maybe I can find someone to watch her. My parents aren't available. I don't know of any college students who are home on break. She doesn't much like any of the adult sitters her friends sometimes have. I could try to call in from home for all my meetings, but geez, I've only been in this job for a few months and I've already had to work from home on a few occasions. And I've taken time off for some minor medical stuff. And I'm leaving for Italy for 12 days just three days from now. And I have a new assistant director who just started last week. What are they going to think of me if I keep needing special treatment? Burt was an understanding guy; I'm still pissed at him for dying on me. Okay, even though it will cost me in the running for mother of the year, I'm going to have to find someone to watch Abby tomorrow. I'll send out an FA APB and see who can rescue me. Amen! Theresa is free this week. I can take Abby there. But Abby doesn't really want to leave the house. She'd understandably prefer to be at home. It's 7 p.m. on Sunday, who can I find to come over? I'm freaking out. Abby feels bad. She says she'll be okay at T's house. Damn, the guilt. 

Monday I make it to work. My meetings go well. One of them goes so well it runs late. I didn't bring my phone along. Obviously I'm trying to avoid any possibility of parental responsibility from interfering in my career. When I finally check my phone I have two messages from my son. Who didn't bring his house key. Who has been sitting outside on the front steps in the rain and the cold. For 45 minutes. Without a coat because kids don't wear freakin' coats anymore. He's weepy and sounds like he's dying. He's going to catch pneumonia two days before he leaves for Italy. This trip's going to suck. I should just stay home.

I call Angel Karen A. to ask her to pick up my son. She arrives at our house and he's gone. Angel-in-training Dave M. has picked him up and taken him to his house. This is my life. How the hell do single moms do it?

Fast forward to Monday evening. Rob is home. Ian is home and warm and dry. Abby seemed fine earlier, but now is a weepy mess because she doesn't know what to do to prepare for her field trip tomorrow. I sense another sick day on Tuesday. Rob gives no indication he could possibly step in and guard the castle if that turns out to be the case. Which it is.

Tuesday morning, the internal struggle begins again.

Em said I could take Abby there if I need to. Theresa said she'll be home again if I need her. But I know Abby would rather be home. I don't have any meetings today, I could work from home. But then I'll have to let the dean and my assistant know I won't be in today. I'll be asking for special treatment again. Did I need this much special treatment when I worked at Judson? Why is it so hard for women to ask for what they need? Do men have these issues? Probably not. But then again they never need special treatment because they expect the woman to deal with every child-related problem that arises. And Wednesday morning I have a doctor appointment which means I won't be in until noon. And did I mention I leave for Italy on Thursday? I wasn't going to come in at all on Thursday, but I guess I could work in the office until noon since we're not leaving for the airport until 1:30 p.m. Perhaps that would give me some brownie points to apply to my deficit situation? Damn, the guilt. 

I stayed home. And I threw in laundry, and dropped off paperwork for Ian at the high school, and went to the pediatrician to pick up a doctor's note for Abby. That's what moms do.

This story is not intended to make my husband look like a selfish bastard, which he is most definitely not. I know that in reality I have it much better than some women. I'm just fascinated by what seems to be a natural tendency or societal expectation that regardless of whose needs are actually more important at the moment, moms will generally find themselves in position to put theirs behind their man's. I'm curious to know if all women, regardless of their salary and job title find they have this experience, because frankly, it's been eating at me for almost 15 years now and I'd like to do away with the bitterness before the kids head off to college. At which time I'll probably be expected to personally deliver vitamin C lozenges and Gatorade at the first sign of a cold. Rob will make sure to let me know when the need arises. He's really good at that.

10 Things You Should Never Say to a Woman

Source: Psychology Today 

Go figure.

Yesterday I posted about women's tendency to nag thoughtfully offer their infinite wisdom to the men in their lives. I scientifically proved that failure to listen to said wisdom often has tragic consequences. What I didn't cover, however, was how men should react at the moment this advice is being shared. This information will come in handy, regardless of how much good advice your wife offers you, and particularly if she's delivering her helpful suggestions with a good bit of emotion. Without further ado, here are:

10 things you should never say to a woman: 

1. Relax. Settle down. Simmer down.
2. Be quiet (or the death wish version: Shut up)
3. Don't you have somewhere to be?
4. Chill out (or the death wish version: Chill the f* out)
5. I'm sorry, did you say something?
6. Keep it down I'm trying to watch the game.
7. Quit your bitchin (or the death wish version: You are such a bitch)
8. You sound just like your mother.
9. You sound like my mother.
10. If I wanted your opinion I'd give it to you.

I like men. I'd like to see most of you live long and healthy lives (with one or two exceptions). Disregard this advice at your own risk.

Thanks, and have a great day!

 

Living Up to the Stereotypes

A giggle, a toss of the hair.
All in a day's work on The Bachelor

Last week and again on Monday night, I watched "The Bachelor," purely for research purposes. Here are the top three things I learned in the first (and last) two episodes I will ever watch:

• Single women giggle ad nauseum when in the presence of a desirable man
• Pathetic single women are willing to stand in line to make out with the same man, regardless of "God knows what" being exchanged in all those sloppy seconds
• Men are oblivious to the evil schemes of desperate women, particularly when access to their brain is obscured by a woman's large...

While the women on "The Bachelor" reflect a dozen ditzy blonde (regardless of hair color) stereotypes, I can guarantee that the one woman "thing" you will never see them do on this program is nag. We typically save nagging until we're in a relationship. Yes, I went there. We women have a propensity for nagging. Now lest you think I'm dissing my own species with a blantantly anti-feminist statement, allow me to explain. First, you should know that nagging is Latin for "we truly know more than you do and you would be wise to listen." And historically, men who did not listen to their nagging infinitely wise women met with misfortune. For example:

Cleopatra imploring Caesar to watch his back.
His body language says "Woman, I know best."

• Cleopatra told Caesar repeatedly to "beware the ides of March," but did he listen? Nope. And he was stabbed (23 times) to death.
• The Queen of Sheba begged King Solomon to spend more time with their son Menelik because she feared he was on a dangerous path. Did he listen? Nope. And Menelik went and stole the Ark of the Covenant and we're still looking for it today.
• More recently, Calista Flockhart highly recommended that hubby Harrison Ford pass on a role in the 2010 movie "Cowboys and Aliens." He went for it anyway and it made the Rotten Tomatoes list of terrible films.

Women have different self-imposed guidelines for when they will nag share helpful advice. Some go public with it, while the more sophisticated among us prefer to limit our wisdom sharing to one-on-one time with our man. Keeping mum in public when instruction is needed, however, can have tragic consequences. Case in point: We recently spent time with friends, drinking and enjoying a rousing game of Apples to Apples. A lit candle sat on the table near the husband. He reached over the candle to pick up a card and the sleeve of his sweater was suddenly wrapped in flames. The wife's reaction?

I was going to say something because you kept reaching over the candle, but I didn't want to tell you what to do offer advice in front of friends.

The husband's response?

You regularly nag me about every little thing offer me helpful suggestions, but you chose now, when I could have caught fire, to give the nagging advice a break?

The lesson here is clear. Women were born with superior intelligence, reasoning skills, and a natural desire to nurture and care for our men. These are inherent traits that have caused countless divorces prevented many a tragedy. Men, if you would just listen to us, the world would be a much safer and productive place.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to call Rob and remind him to put down the toilet seat and ask him why he failed to bring in the trash cans last night. I swear, I have to do everything around here.