1976: Remedial gym class. Explains why I am unable to accurately high-five at sporting events.
1980: My Connie Chung destiny. I impressively narrated the school concert.
1986: Discovered whipped cream and lobster tail, though not at the same time.
1988: First seriously toxic relationship ("I'll never love again!").
1991: My friend Rob told me we were "compatible, so..."
1992: Decided my first NYC boss and rollerblades were the devil's spawn.
1993: Fell victim to the joy of dessert at Mirabella's in Stone Harbor. It was almond amaretto cake. I've wanted dessert ever since.
1995: Married my friend Rob. We are compatible.
1998 (May): Gave birth, without an epidural, to my split personality teenage son. Decided to stay home with child.
1998 (September): Added the Phillies to our phamily.
2001: Gave birth, with an epidural, to the first female president of the United States of America.
2001: Decided I could no longer stay home with teen and president and keep sanity. Returned to work
2006: Met angels.
2009: Broke concrete with elbow. Thankfully did not break elbow.
2011: Began mid-life crisis.
I think it started with the professional hair coloring. I would be at least 50% gray if I wasn't coloring. It became too cumbersome to keep up with at home. I bought a Groupon and took my chances with a salon I'd never been to before. The rest is history.
Along with the hair coloring came the eyebrow tweezing. It didn't occur to me to do anything with my brows until a couple years ago. Now suddenly they need as much regular attention as my hair. And don't get me started on the upper lip stuff.
While at my Groupon salon I mentioned those annoying not-so-fine lines above my upper lip. The owner gave me a sample of some doctor-approved face cream that was sure to solve the problem. She told me to try it out before buying a tub of the stuff for about $532 (only a slight exaggeration). I have seen no improvement, but then I don't remember to use it everyday. So the crevices remain. Is it time for Botox? I can always ask my dentist.
And speaking of facial issues, what's with the pimples? A mid-life crisis should not include teenage zits. I'm applying cover-up like spackle. What's next? Laser resurfacing?
Then there was the Great Shoe Awakening of 2011 (not to be confused with Hurricane Irene or the east coast earthquake which were mere inconveniences). I woke up one day and realized all my shoes were crap. I threw out half of them and replaced them. At Nordstrom. Most of them look like the shoes I tossed, but at least they're from Nordstrom instead of Target. A move in the right (albeit expensive) direction.
And the most recent indication of my mid-life crisis is my second hair cut in about a month's time. I used to go for six months without a cut, now I'm unsatisfied a week later. In my latest reinvention (yesterday), I went with bangs. To cover the zits. Of course now the haircut doesn't match any of my clothes. And you can guess what that means...
2 comments:
Since I'm a year older and wiser (well, at least older), I felt the need to share some sage advice. First of all, while the bangs may cover the zits, they are going to make your forehead hot, sweaty and oily and will only add to the zit problem, I fear. And, while I haven't seen your actual photo yet, I remember the "helpful" words of my friend Jean when our friend Cindy got bangs: "You shouldn't have done that. They make your face look like a house." If you find you need haircut #3 in a month, never fear. Hair always grows back...until it falls out completely from repeated coloring and/or menopause, which may be just around the corner (just kidding...I think).
While I find I have other sage advice, it's probably not appropriate for public comment, as I've been banned from writing about my children. Since they came of age (a few years ago) and know about this fancy interweb thing, they are sadly also aware of their writer mother's covert activities during the day in her bat cave (oh, I mean basement office).
So I'll just talk amongst myselves for a while instead of sharing publicly, one of the great benefits of working from home...alone.
Hmmm...it appears that I've rambled off topic, so to recap, gentle reader: Don't fear the aging process or midlife crises. Clearly, as you can see by my example, it only gets better ;)
Rachel, you are a riot.
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