11 Signs You Married the Right Guy (based on scientific research conducted with women who read nothing but romance novels)

I receive a daily email from Good Housekeeping. I do this because I like to pretend that someday I'll use that easy-to-make-with-home-ingredients facial mask, plant my own organic vegetable garden, and stitch that Home is Where the Heart Is sampler.

Last week my GH email featured the compelling headline: "11 Signs You Married the Right Guy." Being well aware that I married the right guy, I was eager to confirm how lucky I am. And, I'm all about lists these days. And Facebook quizzes that tell me which actor I should be with (Will Smith), which Downton Abbey character I'm most similar to (the Countess of Grantham), and where I should live (London). So the Good Housekeeping* lucky girl list went as follows:

1. He always brags about you. If you get a promotion at work or even just win concert tickets, he can't resist telling everyone you know before you even think to mention it. Because he's your biggest fan (arguably next to your mom).
2. Even after years together, he still does little chivalrous things for you. Like open doors for you or carry you to your doorstep when your feet hurt after wearing high heels all day and you just can't bear to walk one more step.
3. He doesn't try to change you. He knows you're messier than him, that you always need a pet cat, and can't cook to save your life, and all of that is all right by him.
4. "I miss you" isn't just a sweet thing you say. It's a reality. Even if it hasn't been that long (like, two hours) since you saw each other.
5. You can cry in front of him without feeling embarrassed. He knows when to worry and when you’re just caught up in a scene of a movie. 
6. When your friends complain about their significant others or the guys they've gone out with, you get kind of quiet because you don’t have much to contribute. You don’t want to brag, but you just don't have to deal with any of that nonsense because your significant other is great to you.
7. He’s close with your family, and he’s made sure you've gotten to know his. He’ll call your dad or your grandma without any hesitation. It just makes sense that you’d go to his nephew’s birthday party, even if he's not there. 
8. He cares about your friends. If one of them is having a bad day, he suggests you go spend time with her or invite her to join the two of you for dinner. If he hasn't heard someone’s name in a while, he asks how she’s doing. 
9. He lets you vent. Sometimes when something frustrates you, you just need to go over it again and again. He doesn't get annoyed at this, and he dismisses your apologies. The only thing that bothers him about the situation is that you’re upset and he wishes you weren't.
10. He tells you, out of the blue, that you look hot. And it’s on the day you didn't dry your hair or put on makeup or even change out of your T-shirt and sweatpants.
11. You can do things like travel together without fighting all the time. We've all seen (or been) that tragic couple fighting over where to get lunch at the airport. You can do tedious things with your S.O. without all this fighting.

My immediate reaction to this list is are you freakin' kidding me? "this is not for married people." At least not for people who've been married more than six months a year. Of all my married friends, only the couple without kids could possibly see themselves in this list. (Kids change everything.)

So let's dissect this. Actually, let's rewrite it so it reflects reality and not a romance novel:

1. He always brags about the kids. You brag about yourself to your mom and dad who think you're awesome for just waking up today.

2. Even after years together, he still does little chivalrous things for you. While he won't can't carry you to the doorstep when your feet hurt (because you've put on weight since you got married), he will go get the car so you don't have to walk as far. Then he'll give you sh*t for having worn high heels when he knows you're going to cry about them later.

3. He doesn't try to change you. He knows it's your job to change him. You know you're perfect just the way you are. And yes, he eats your lousy cooking just so he doesn't starve to death.

4. "I miss you" isn't just a sweet thing you say, it's actually bullcrap. It's code for "I'm having so much fun with the guys, but I don't want you to know because you'll make me feel guilty."

5. You can cry in front of him without feeling embarrassed. I You should hope so. If I was you were embarrassed to cry in front of my your husband, he'd never see me you. He knows not to worry because I'm you're just a emotional nutcase.

6. When your friends complain about their significant others, you get kind of quiet because their issues pale in comparison to yours. You don't want them to worry that you've married the wrong man.

7. He’s close with your family, and he’s made sure you've gotten to know his. And you both know there's a healthy dose of dysfunction on both sides. He’ll call your dad if house repairs are needed, and you'll be sick on the day of his nephew’s birthday party.

8. He cares about your friends. If one of them is having a bad day, he says, "Sucks being her, but I need you here to watch the kids so I can go to the gym for a couple hours." If he hasn't heard someone’s name in a while, he thanks God there's one less woman for him to deal with.

9. He lets you vent for about 10 minutes, during which time he wasn't listening anyway. Sometimes when something frustrates you, you just need to go over it again and again. He eventually gets totally annoyed at this 1) because he's watching the game, and 2) because if something needs fixing in your life, fix it already.

10. He tells you, out of the blue, that you look hot. And that's how you know it's time for sex.

11. You can do things like travel together without fighting all the time because you go to all-inclusive resorts where the drinks keep flowing and everyone is happy all the time.

Now that's much more accurate, don't you think?

Of course, this list in no way reflects my husband, because I know I married the right guy.

I just feel sorry for the rest of you.

*While Good Housekeeping was kind enough to share this terrific list, I recently discovered it was first published in Cosmopolitan, which explains a lot.