Now Hiring: Ego Stroker

I realize that I give the impression that I have it all together. Confident, stable, squared away, large and in charge. Because I have so successfully maintained this persona for decades, today's post may come as a shock. It's time you know the truth: I have self-confidence issues.

After 11 years at Judson Press, I was pretty well masking my insecurities, but transitioning to a new job is slowly unleashing the ugly weepy pathetic in me. It started when I made the fatal mistake of reading my predecessor's job performance evaluations. Hey, they were in my files. It's not like I went looking for them. Anyway, they were good stellar. And I'm well aware that others who worked with her liked her a great deal and found her to be very good at her job. My "boss" and colleague Burt noted my competitive nature and my discomfort at stepping into someone else's shoes (possibly because I whined about it), but he wouldn't lie to me and say that I was going to be even more awesome than she had been. He was mean like that. Instead, he said that she and I each had our strengths. Whatever. While Burt wouldn't humor my need to be declared supreme ruler of all things communications, because he recognized my desperate need for affirmation and recognition he did dole out little compliments to sustain me. It worked. I was happy.

But we know what happened soon after I settled in and decided I loved my new job. Losing Burt hurts on many levels, but from a completely selfish perspective, without him I feel adrift and less sure of myself.  I'm now going through the dreaded transition period which I didn't experience during my first week and which I thought I had successfully avoided altogether. Quite frankly, change sucks. It doesn't help that I've finished my mega project and now find I have time to breath and think too much and psych myself out determine next steps, all by myself.

Coworkers have kindly suggested I call my predecessor if I need certain questions answered, but inside my head (always a dangerous place to be) I childishly balk at the idea because I don't want her help. I've made it my life's work to leave every job I've ever had as the best that had ever been in that position. Calling her for assistance would be like admitting I'm not the supreme ruler of all things communications. We can't have that.

I know. I'm ridiculous.

In addition to missing Burt's general support, I miss his praise for my little day-to-day accomplishments. Freakin' Angel readers know that for me, it's all about attention recognition for a job well done. I would probably possibly take a pay cut if it meant greater accolades and pats on the back. (This is clearly why I don't earn a larger salary.) I now find myself in the awkward position of needing to train others around me to stroke my ego help my other colleagues (especially those in leadership) understand what makes me tick. It's not going to be easy.

Case in point, the mega project.


In two months time I put together a 36-page annual report. I didn't hire any freelance writers. With the exception of two articles by Burt, I wrote the copy for every other page in the publication. The designers we hired did a great job and I thought I'd pulled off quite a feat as a new employee. When I sent the final draft to the powers that be, these were the responses I received:

• Overall, the report looks great! (I had to ask this individual what he thought of the piece before he offered even this much, his original response was to correct a mistake on page 13.)
• You've done a fine job on this under exceptional circumstances
• Overall, I think you are in great shape.

Boys and girls, what do each of these "compliments" have in common? Modifiers. In the wacky world of Kim, they translate as follows:

• There are parts of this report that completely miss the mark, but the rest will do.
• Under these circumstances, you did a nice job, but it wouldn't be that impressive if the circumstances were normal.
• There are things you definitely need to fix, but you're getting closer to something acceptable.

I know. I'm ridiculous.


I think, however, I may have found a cure for my special brand of crazy. I've just started interviewing for an Assistant Director of Marketing & Communications. While a professional with great credentials and experience is the natural choice, I think I'm going to look for someone who shows the potential to idolize me and make me feel good about myself.

I'm feeling better already, just thinking about it...