"Jews Don't Bowl" and Other Things You Learn at the Alley

In every friendship, there comes a time to take things to the next level. The 2 a.m. sobbing phone call, help burying the body, shameless dancing during milestone birthday celebrations, and yes, bowling. Yesterday was that time for us and our friends the Mendells and Andersons. (The fourth family in our little group, the Fischers, mysteriously had "something else to do.")

I could have taken pictures of us bowling,
but we didn't want any evidence...

It was all Karen's idea. A nonchalent suggestion that we all go bowling together. Her New Year's resolution was to spend more time with her children, together as a family, and what less contentious better way to do that than with friends? "Lucky Strike in Philly?," she suggested. "They serve alcohol for the adults and unhealthy food for the children and have big screen televisions with the playoff games on." Clearly, Karen knew her audience. This was a no-brainer.

Prior to slipping off to the big city for some over-priced fun, the adults in our posse assured one another that we all were completely awful at bowling. This is an essential first step before bowling with friends. Having hit the lanes with an actual bowler, I can tell you that there's nothing worse than having someone along who really knows what they're doing and wants to win.

Supposedly the worst bowler in our group was D.A. He teared up a little remembering the whooping he took at his daughter's bowling party (I think she was five at the time. Or maybe ten). He still hadn't recovered his self-esteem. To get it out of the way, D.A. opted to bowl first. And naturally, with his very first ball down the alley, he got a strike. I believe that was followed either by another strike or at least a spare. Serious verbal abuse ensued. The good news is that we succeeded in getting into Dave's head and messed with him until he appropriately started throwing gutter balls and brought balance back into the universe.

Karen, the brains behind this outing and also Dave's wife, proved true to her word where her performance was concerned. We'll just leave it at that.

As for the Mendells., well, words can't really describe Dave's performance. Dave had not adequately prepared us for his bowling acumen. Or lack thereof. The poor guy did not actually know which hand to bowl with - left or right? It made no difference. He threw gutter balls equally well with both. He did, however, explain his performance by quite simply stating,

Jews don't bowl.

And now we know.

Emily and I bowled like we live. Pretty consistently and with little fanfare. Though I would say I offered a little more visual pizzazz to my performance; Emily never fell to her knees upon releasing the ball down the alley. And I think I'm the only one in our group who tried the "wave the ball over with your hand" move (which has yet to work, by the way).

Ultimately, Rob won our first match, securing a free meal for us as the winning couple based on a bet we had made at the start of the game. I should note that he was the only one to break 100.

We seriously considered playing with bumpers for round two. But it turns out more beer practice was all we needed. By the end of the second game, D.A. had gotten his groove back, Emily had thrown a strike or two, Dave M. managed to take down all the pins at least once and ended up bowling a 100, and Karen, well, she hadn't gotten any worse. The extra beer practice clearly benefited me the most because I won that round with 125.

We've decided to rename the alley "Lucky (to get a) Strike" and we're forming our own league of misfits. Who's in?

Time to Get the Ball Bowling!

When's the last time you went bowling? If you worked for the American Baptist Home Mission Societies you could have bowled yesterday. In celebration of Administrative Professionals Week, all employees were invited to an afternoon with lunch and non-stop bowling fun at Facenda Whitaker Lanes in West Norriton, PA.

And fun it was!

Remember when we were kids and bowling alleys were seedy, dark, smokey places that you tended to avoid unless armed or at least protected by your dad? Remember when you used to have to know how to keep score? Now bowling alleys are bright, hip, happening spots with laser light shows. They require nothing from you in the way of mathematical equations. Some of them are even open 24-hours, 7-days a week in case you feel an urgent need to bowl at 4:00 a.m. on a Tuesday.

Some things about the bowling experience have not changed, however. The shoes. The search for the perfect ball (there must be a secret handshake required to secure one that's less than 20 pounds). The pop of your thumb joint when the holes are too small. The way you ridiculously wave at the ball when you want it to move to the center of the lane as it veers toward the gutter. The dirty old men. The need for a few beers before you can really get in the groove, but maybe that's just me.

Yesterday's bowling adventure was a painful reminder that I haven't bowled for years without the benefit of the kid bumpers. I like the kid bumpers. They make me a better bowler. They provide hope. Yesterday I was nothing if not consistent, however. I either hit no pins or all ten of them. This makes it difficult to break the 100 barrier. And since we're on the topic of lousy bowlers, I have a brilliant idea. I think there should be a league for people like me. People who suck at bowling. You would have to try out first and if you score 125 or above you can't be in the league. I think that would be fun. There would probably be lots of drinking, merciless teasing, and poor self-esteem going around.

Despite my crappy bowling skills, I do think bowling, as an activity, has a lot going for it:

1. It's family-friendly and ideal for those with young children (you can justify use of the bumpers.)
2. It's a no-tech choice. Damn the Wii, the X-Box, the Playstation. Let's throw a heavy ball down a wooden lane and see how much stuff we can knock over!
3. It encourages cheering, jeering, and friendly banter.
4. It practically demands the consumption of beer.
5. It does not discriminate by body type or athletic ability. Stop by an alley some weekday afternoon for proof of this statement.
6. It is an inherently hopeful sport. You always get a 2nd chance. Don't get all the pins on the first shot? Go again! Heck, do that 10 times till your wrist and hips ache!

Allow me to leave you with one important piece of bowling advice: Never go bowling with someone who's really good at it. Like my friend Mark. He completely ruins it for everyone else. I haven't bowled with him in 20 years and I still resent him and his bowling prowess. I won't play Trivial Pursuit with him for the same reason. Some people just don't know how to have fun.

If you're a fairly lousy bowler who likes to drink beer and talk smack, call me. Let's hit the lanes!