A couple weeks ago my grad school friend Susanne posted a link to an article on the website Feministing titled "Why do strange men think they're allowed to touch me?" Now based on that title, most women would shout a hearty "AMEN!" as most of us probably don't appreciate being touched by a stranger. Upon further reading, however, I found myself thinking that this particular feminist was rallying against something not particularly worth her energy.
For those of you too
- Chloe (the author) is in line at Starbucks, listening to her ipod when a stranger walks past her, stops when he sees her, puts a hand on her arm and says "You are so beautiful."
- Chloe responds with "filthiest look" she could muster, "now a reflex after over a year of dealing with New York City street harassment."
- Her immediate thought, "Why do strange men think they’re allowed to touch me? Why do strange men think I care about their opinion of my appearance? Do they think I’ll be flattered if they approach me out of the blue and offer their unsolicited opinion?"
- Despite actually feeling beautiful this particular morning, Chloe notes, "Being touched by a stranger and told that I was beautiful didn’t make me feel more beautiful; it made me feel unimportant."What she wanted, a simple treat at Starbucks, didn't matter. "What mattered most was that this man had an opinion about me, so I had to hear it whether I wanted to or not. He wanted to touch me, so I was going to be touched, by a stranger, whether I wanted it or not."
- And then she takes the natural leap to "What he wanted was more important than what I wanted, because he is a man, and I am a woman."
My reaction to Chloe's reaction is chill out. There are worse things than being told you're beautiful or even being patted on the arm by a stranger. Earning less than a man doing the same job is worth fighting against. Not allowing women the same opportunities as men is worth an argument. Stereotyping women (or anyone) is wrong and deserving of your righteous indignation. But being told you're beautiful? Hmm.
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| Not my Balloon Guy, but you get the idea |
After initially reading this post, it occurred to me that perhaps I just hadn't been hit on by a creepy stranger in a while. Maybe a good wolf whistle from a construction worker would make me feel differently. Well, as luck would have it, over the weekend I was
While I didn't particularly enjoy the experience, it also didn't send me running to my laptop to write up a missive about the nerve of strange men to force their compliments on me. No, he didn't touch me, and if he had I would have thought, "gross, leave me alone you creep," but I wouldn't have allowed one icky guy to make me feel unimportant. Nor would I have given him credit for thinking that he mattered more than me and that's why he felt the need to offend me with his compliment. I hardly doubt he was thinking at all!
Yes, I would prefer to be acknowledged for my brains, work ethic, kindness, and my sense of humor, but the reality is that we were created to appreciate the beauty in one another. While some guys (and girls) don't have the class, finesse, or tact to either appreciate beauty silently or with respect, I hardly think we can condemn mankind or let a wayward compliment or touch ruin our day.
As long as a woman doesn't base her sense of self-worth or self-esteem on the comments on strangers, I can't see the harm in enjoying being told you're beautiful. Admit it, there are times when a compliment from a man or a woman, or a wagging tail on an affectionate dog, or a smile from a baby can make your day. There are times I will take any flattery I can get and run with it.
Thoughts?
9 comments:
"I can't see the harm in enjoying being told you're beautiful"
Once again, a well written and thought out piece, Kim. Being one of the 'other' side I agree with the quoted text from your blog. I would venture to guess that 75-90% of the men who are making the 'you're beautiful' statement are in fact only giving a compliment. I don't believe they are belittling the woman (intellect, personality, work ethic, etc.) even though they may not have found the most tactful way of putting it.
In fact, I have refrained from saying 'you're beautiful' or 'your husband is a lucky man' or the like for fear of offending the women I am thinking that. Does this mean I am more tactful or just chicken? I guess that is in the eye of the beholder.
Once again, well done and when I tell you are beautiful it means nothing other than you have an outer beauty to go along with the inner.
Bryce, you made my day!
Interesting topic and I very much agree with you Kim. Chloe needs to take a chill pill. What if instead of a man stopping to say she is beautiful, a woman stopped and touched her on the arm and told her what a great hair cut she has (I have been known to do this to other women). Would Chloe still be offended? And if not, isn't that discriminating against men? As long as compliments are well meaning and not threatening or vulgar, we should accept them with an open heart. It's called being human. I wouldn't call Chloe a feminist -- I might suggest B--ch. Just my opinion.
Em, I'm with you. I regularly compliment other women, even to go so far as to tell them I think they're beautiful. Hope I haven't made any of them feel "unimportant!"
It's the "touching" part that may be more of a sticking point here for Chloe.
We also have no idea of her "outer" beauty, maybe this happens more than for the rest of us.
I think you're right, Kim, had a woman said it to Chloe, it's a different comment.
Her space was invaded, she wrote about it.
There's another article you might you enjoy thinking about at
http://msmagazine.com/blog/blog/2010/08/19/stop-hitting-on-me/
OH YEA--It's me, that Susanne from grad school, LOVE YOU, YOU'RE DEFINITELY BEAUTIFUL.
Shame on you. You write "Stereotyping women (or anyone) is wrong" but your blog post references "Maybe a good wolf whistle from a construction worker would make me feel differently"...
It figures that the first comment my sister has ever left on my blog is a criticism!
Kim I totally agree with you. I wouldn't mind if someone told me I was beautiful. I would probably laugh and say "are you talking to me?", and then say "Thank you". The touchy thing, depends if it was just a touch to get her attention or a "pet". Some people just don't like having their personal space invaded.
I think if Chloe really had time to re-think things she may change her mind. Being a 40 something mom of 2 young children well past the point of always looking fabulous, if someone told me I was beautiful I would be thrilled. Let's face it, we don't look at ourselves in the mirror and think " I sure hope no one tells me I am beautiful today." I think most of us want to be looked at as just that whether someone tells us or not. Perhaps Chloe has not hit that point in life just yet, but eventually I think we all get there.
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