As I mentioned in my last post, Abby's soccer team participated in a tournament this past weekend at which they lost all three of their games. The girls gave it their all, and I was impressed at how no one seemed distraught or beaten down by the losses. Generally, by the time they reached the parking lot, they were ready to move on. After the third game, however, Abby seemed a little glum. When I asked her if she was upset about losing, she replied, "I want a medal." See, on our way off the field after the final game, we noticed that other teams were wearing medals. And Abby wanted one too.
Now if I was a nicer mom, I might have commiserated with Abby and tried to make her feel better by telling her that certainly she deserved a medal for having played hard and trying her best. But since I'm generally not a nice mom, I told Abby,
"That's not the way real life works. Unfortunately, you don't get a medal or a trophy just for showing up and making the effort."Yes, I acknowledged and applauded her hard work, but that's all I could do for her.
I remember being surprised at the trophies and medals given out for simply playing on a team when the kids were little. I wondered then whether we weren't setting them up for disappointment. And then I heard disturbing things about the school system, including that teachers were no longer allowed to use a red pen when marking a student's paper because it could damage their self-esteem or self-confidence. And I noticed the lack of competition, like spelling bees, in elementary school because a competition means someone has to lose in order for someone else to win and that too would be sad, if not downright harmful.
Yes children, it's true. Someone has to lose. Someday you will lose. It happens to each of us.
Are we doing our kids any favors by awarding mere participation? I'm all for building a kid's confidence and desire to keep playing or trying by offering a pat on the back or even a certificate that says "Thanks for participating." But beyond that I question whether we're doing more harm than good. We seem to be setting them up for disappointment. And honestly, how much will all those dust-collecting medals and trophies mean when you can't even recall why you received them?
The good news is that Abby didn't linger too long in her disappointed state.
The bad news is that last night she came home from soccer practice with...wait for it...a tournament medal...just for participating.
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| Another teachable moment out the window! |
6 comments:
I agree with you Kim. Just giving out awards is disheartening. Growing up, I've had it both ways.
Do you remember in our 5th grade class at Palmer when we did "Silent Spelling"? Had to spell out the words with symbolic references... I think my class came in first or second but I remember it being a HUGE deal to us to have done so well and gotten an award.
On the other end of the spectrum, I remember being at our Senior Awards ceremony where I got an "award" for being in choir....really? A plaque with the Easton bulldog and my name engraved on it just for taking a class? Looking at that "award" the only thing it made me think was how badly I wished I would have done more to have gotten a legitimate one.
Getting an award should be based on competition and how well you do. Not for just showing up.
I remember when my daughter was at the end of her last year in grade school. They had an awards ceremony where almost every kid got something. But not every kid. So the few who got nothing really did take a hit to there self-esteem. The whole thing was bass ackwards. Also it took forever and I was bored out of my skull. Cause at the end of the day it's still all about ME.
Wow, Bob. That is totally messed up! And yes, we know it's all about you (and me, too).
Now doing a triathlon - there's a reason to get a medal just for showing up - or even a sweat shirt! :)
Elizabeth, yes, if I was doing a triathlon I would like a medal. Just finishing would be a tremendous achievement!
As an educator and parent I have real hatred for the self-esteem movement. How do you raise a kid's (or adult's) self-esteem? Give them a difficult task and the tools and skills necessary to complete it. Then step back. Kids are supposed to fail at things as they grow up. That prepares them for their inevitable failures later in life. Kids don't need their self-esteem raised. They're already the most self-centered, narcissistic people on the planet (outside of the cast of Jersey Shore). There is no reason for us to feed that. BTW - I use red pen on tests and papers.
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