Itchy, Itchy, Scratchy, Scratchy, Ooh I got One Down My Backy

I have always been a fan of primates. There’s the human family resemblance and advanced skill set, and I really appreciate the way they take care of each other. The kids want another dog, but I'm thinking of adopting an ape, chimpanzee, or snow monkey. I could use the assistance with grooming.

Particularly when dealing with a case of head lice.

See, with Ian, Rob and I having enjoyed foot infections, broken fingers, back surgery, and shingles this year, Abby felt left out. Being competitive by nature, she decided to join the fun with, yep, you guessed it.

The call came from the school nurse late Friday afternoon, ensuring an auspicious start to the weekend. Rob was the one at home for the walk of shame pick up and shampoo round of treatment, while I was lucky enough to return in time for the actual “nit-picking.” While my family would say that I excel in nit-picking, as originally defined, it turns out nit-picking is not one of my strengths. Flake or nit? That is the question. I spent at least an hour going through my daughter’s past-shoulder-length hair, scratching my own head every 15 seconds in the process.

Once the mark of pariahs, it appears that today nits and louses are no big deal. Perhaps because vampires are in vogue, we no longer get worked up about blood suckers. My daughter actually seemed disappointed yesterday when she went to school with the all-clear (or clear enough) from the nurse, particularly because two of her friends were sent home with the creepy crawlers. Like I said, she’s very competitive.

Lice Lifters to the rescue!

Today I went through Abby’s hair again (this will be a daily ritual for the next week or two, hence my need for primate assistance). The good news is that I’m getting better at recognizing the little buggers, the bad news is that I'm still finding the little buggers. The good news is that I may not have to go it alone for long. Forgoing the use of our four-legged relatives, I have learned that there are now brilliant money-making schemes businesses that actually remove head lice for you. Apparently the over-the-counter stuff is no longer doing the trick and with fewer moms staying home to take care of crap like this, some enterprising folks have found a way to ensure a clean bill of hair. One of Abby's friends used a service called Lice Happens which, for a paltry $295, will come to your house and take care of the critters, guaranteed. Another service, Lice Lifters, charges $175 if you come to them.

If I'm still finding these blood suckers tomorrow, I may have to make the call and spend the cash. Think Abby'd be willing to consider it a Christmas present?

And did I mention how freakin' itchy I am?