My Future's Calling; Wish Me Luck

As I write, I'm on an Amtrak train to Boston. It's my first long train ride; I don't think I've gone farther (further?) than Philadelphia to New York City before tonight. I decided on the train because I figured it would give me several hours of uninterrupted “me” time. Time to read, work, write, reflect. And five and a half hours later, I can say I did all of the above, plus a little Words with Friends when I had a decent wireless connection.

It's been a stormy night, both outside my window and in my soul. I can hear the rain battering the windows and once in a while the lightening illuminates the darkness. I particularly like it when the train generators temporarily go down, taking out the noisy fan and ugly lights, leaving a dark, peaceful quiet during which I close my eyes for just a moment. I've forced myself to stay awake for the whole trip, knowing if I fall asleep now, I'll never fall asleep when I arrive at my hotel. I'm still struggling with the west coast/east coast time difference and it's wrecking havoc with my shut-eye.

Maybe the lack of sleep is contributing to my somber mood this evening. Or maybe I can attribute it to the purpose of my trip. See I'm headed for the Center for Career Development and Ministry in Dedham, MA. I know I should be excited about this opportunity, and until today I really was looking forward to it. I think I've just had too much time to think and reflect on what brought me to this place.

A few months back I wrote about my internal struggle as it relates to my life's work and purpose. I was asking myself those difficult questions: Am I living up to my potential? What am I being called to do with my life? Is this all there is? What's next? At the time, I talked with my friend Emily who attempted to bolster my self-esteem, telling me I could do anything I put my mind to, that she felt I wasn't giving myself enough credit, nor challenging myself enough. She let me know, in Stuart Smalley-style, that “I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me!” Our little therapy session left me feeling both inspired and slightly desperate for answers and insight. Naturally, being the “say whatever you're thinking” kind of fool that I am, I went in to work the very next day and proceeded to tearfully tell my boss everything that was on my mind. It's times like that that I'm incredibly thankful I work for a Christian organization that accepts all of me, tears and smiles, strengths and weaknesses, highs and lows. Heck, some folks don't even have family and friends who are that supportive.

My boss's response to my mentally and emotionally battered state was to offer me this opportunity for some career/life counseling. I had a whole bunch of homework to prepare for the visit, including strengths finders, skill assessments, personality profiles, autobiographical insights, and more. And tomorrow, when my visit begins, I believe I'll be tied up to a lie dectector and brain wave monitor. Or maybe they'll just give me some psychological tests. It should be fascinating.

I think maybe I'm a little sad, anxious, stressed, concerned, and somber because it feels like there's a whole lot riding on the next two days. I've been in a fairly dark place the last few months and I'm praying this visit sheds some light on where I go from here. And I know that's a lot to ask.

Something else I know is that many of you don't appreciate my more melancholy moments, and tomorrow morning I should probably reconsider this post, however, I imagine I'll go ahead and share. See even though some might give me a hard time for being a “downer” (and you know who you are), there are other Freakin' Angel readers who have told me they can relate and take comfort in knowing they're not alone with their fear, depression, or uncertainty. And I figure that, every once in a while, that's worth just as much as giving you a laugh.

My future's calling. Wish me luck.