College-Prep Chronicles, Volume 1

I am currently gearing up to appropriately stress over the realities that I will face as the mother of a high school junior. I figure I have seven months to work myself into a frenzy. Already I've been hit with a few reminders that clearly indicate my not-so-slow progression toward having a child "preparing for college:"

1. A letter from a local college admissions consultant, offering his services (for an undoubtedly steep fee).
2. Notice of an upcoming SAT Boot Camp.
3. A report from Rob that a couple of our friends whose kids are also sophomores have in fact signed up with one of those college. admissions gurus. Said gurus are dictating recommending the ideal cocktail of courses that will ensure said sophomores are accepted to their college of choice.
4. When I asked a friend what her family was doing for spring break, she mentioned the possibility of making a few college visits.  

Dear God, is it that time already?

I don't want to panic unnecessarily, so I sought out the advice of an acquaintance who happens to be one of our high school guidance counselors. I sent her an email that went something like this:

Dear Kristin, I'm not freaking out or anything, but I saw the notice about SAT Boot Camp and I'm wondering if Ian should be going to that. I also heard that some of his classmates with particularly overeager engaged parents have already had their kids take the SATs. Are we late on that? What is the normal progression for these things? I'm freaking out over here...

Kristin assured me that we hadn't missed any important milestones in the frantic drive toward my son's college career. PSATs come next fall (and they recommend students take them without training/boot camp first), followed by SATs in the spring, which can be taken again the fall of his senior year. And I think there's an ACT in there somewhere, too. I thought I saved the email so I'd have this important information at my fingertips, but I've just looked for it and can't find it, and now I'm freaking out a bit. Take a deep breath...

The important thing about this whole process is making sure that Ian doesn't pick up on my hysteria concern. I wouldn't want him to stress out, too. Although something tells me it may be too late for that. Just yesterday he confessed to struggling with his grades (for the first time in 10 years), from which he tearfully concluded that he was destined to be a failure in life, never to amount to anything because of a C in Algebra 2. I don't know where he gets his flair for the dramatic. But seriously, these kids feel an overwhelming amount of pressure when it comes time for the reality of post-high school preparations. Between their own hopes and dreams, their parents' wishes, and the unspoken competition with their friends, junior and senior year is a hotbed of anxiety, stress, fear and insecurity. I've actually been advised to avoid all conversation about college applications and acceptance letters with any current high school seniors. "So, did you get in to your first choice?" might just be the thing that sends them over the edge.

I'm relatively certain that this won't be my only blog post on the topic of college; there's just so much territory to cover:

• How to manage the impulse to nag your child for months on end to finish his/her applications.
• How to control a strong desire to "lightly edit" their college essay.
• How to avoid adding stress to what is already a stressful experience. 
• How to refrain from pushing Villanova down their throats putting too much emphasis on Villanova, given my employee discount.
• How to control your inclination to compare your kids' performance/grades/abilities to those of their friends, and question why he/she got in to that school and your kid didn't when they're clearly superior.

(Clearly, the next two years will be all about perfecting my avoidance techniques.)

Given the amount of ground to cover, let's call this part one in an ongoing series that I'll title the "College-Prep Chronicles." 

I welcome your topic suggestions and feedback.

10 Things You Should Never Say to a Woman

Source: Psychology Today 

Go figure.

Yesterday I posted about women's tendency to nag thoughtfully offer their infinite wisdom to the men in their lives. I scientifically proved that failure to listen to said wisdom often has tragic consequences. What I didn't cover, however, was how men should react at the moment this advice is being shared. This information will come in handy, regardless of how much good advice your wife offers you, and particularly if she's delivering her helpful suggestions with a good bit of emotion. Without further ado, here are:

10 things you should never say to a woman: 

1. Relax. Settle down. Simmer down.
2. Be quiet (or the death wish version: Shut up)
3. Don't you have somewhere to be?
4. Chill out (or the death wish version: Chill the f* out)
5. I'm sorry, did you say something?
6. Keep it down I'm trying to watch the game.
7. Quit your bitchin (or the death wish version: You are such a bitch)
8. You sound just like your mother.
9. You sound like my mother.
10. If I wanted your opinion I'd give it to you.

I like men. I'd like to see most of you live long and healthy lives (with one or two exceptions). Disregard this advice at your own risk.

Thanks, and have a great day!

 

Living Up to the Stereotypes

A giggle, a toss of the hair.
All in a day's work on The Bachelor

Last week and again on Monday night, I watched "The Bachelor," purely for research purposes. Here are the top three things I learned in the first (and last) two episodes I will ever watch:

• Single women giggle ad nauseum when in the presence of a desirable man
• Pathetic single women are willing to stand in line to make out with the same man, regardless of "God knows what" being exchanged in all those sloppy seconds
• Men are oblivious to the evil schemes of desperate women, particularly when access to their brain is obscured by a woman's large...

While the women on "The Bachelor" reflect a dozen ditzy blonde (regardless of hair color) stereotypes, I can guarantee that the one woman "thing" you will never see them do on this program is nag. We typically save nagging until we're in a relationship. Yes, I went there. We women have a propensity for nagging. Now lest you think I'm dissing my own species with a blantantly anti-feminist statement, allow me to explain. First, you should know that nagging is Latin for "we truly know more than you do and you would be wise to listen." And historically, men who did not listen to their nagging infinitely wise women met with misfortune. For example:

Cleopatra imploring Caesar to watch his back.
His body language says "Woman, I know best."

• Cleopatra told Caesar repeatedly to "beware the ides of March," but did he listen? Nope. And he was stabbed (23 times) to death.
• The Queen of Sheba begged King Solomon to spend more time with their son Menelik because she feared he was on a dangerous path. Did he listen? Nope. And Menelik went and stole the Ark of the Covenant and we're still looking for it today.
• More recently, Calista Flockhart highly recommended that hubby Harrison Ford pass on a role in the 2010 movie "Cowboys and Aliens." He went for it anyway and it made the Rotten Tomatoes list of terrible films.

Women have different self-imposed guidelines for when they will nag share helpful advice. Some go public with it, while the more sophisticated among us prefer to limit our wisdom sharing to one-on-one time with our man. Keeping mum in public when instruction is needed, however, can have tragic consequences. Case in point: We recently spent time with friends, drinking and enjoying a rousing game of Apples to Apples. A lit candle sat on the table near the husband. He reached over the candle to pick up a card and the sleeve of his sweater was suddenly wrapped in flames. The wife's reaction?

I was going to say something because you kept reaching over the candle, but I didn't want to tell you what to do offer advice in front of friends.

The husband's response?

You regularly nag me about every little thing offer me helpful suggestions, but you chose now, when I could have caught fire, to give the nagging advice a break?

The lesson here is clear. Women were born with superior intelligence, reasoning skills, and a natural desire to nurture and care for our men. These are inherent traits that have caused countless divorces prevented many a tragedy. Men, if you would just listen to us, the world would be a much safer and productive place.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to call Rob and remind him to put down the toilet seat and ask him why he failed to bring in the trash cans last night. I swear, I have to do everything around here.