Ack! Young Love

All you do, don't tell Abby I'm writing about her. She's not on Facebook and doesn't really care enough about what I'm thinking to check out my blog on her own, so I think I'm safe as long as you don't blab. I'm writing about Abby for two reasons: 1) She's apparently set a new record; and 2) I can't think of anything else to write about.

If you know Abby, you're probably not surprised to hear that she set a record. You may be wondering if it's related to baking, duct tape design, clarinet, hula  hooping, soccer, softball or math. What you probably would never have guessed is that she has apparently broken the middle school record for the longest sixth grade relationship. Yep, you read that right. If you're surprised, imagine how her poor mother felt when she learned four five months ago that Abby has a boyfriend. Just weeks prior to this great reveal (thanks to her brother, of course), I had told a fellow mom that Abby was not in to boys. In fact I'm pretty sure I said something like "I don't think she even knows they exist." Yep, I was that mom. The clueless one saying "My kid would never..." Next thing you know I'll find out Ian's given up computer games in order to take on yard work.  

The good news is that I know Abby's "boyfriend." In fact, they met in church, like all 12-year-old couples should. And did I mention his mom is one of my best friends? And that she isn't shy about "checking on things?"  If she can't find out anything by snooping, she'll actually talk to her son to find out where things stand. In other words, "Are you and Abby still a couple? Have you kissed?" They haven't. That's what we're told and that's what we choose to believe. From all indications, sixth grade dating seems to consist of text messaging, instagram and holding hands while walking around the school track at lunchtime. There's very little talking and even less actual time spent in one another's company. Hence the success of their relationship.

So my Abby has a boyfriend. This explains a lot about the increased frequency with which she showers and brushes her hair. She hasn't changed how she dresses, however, (t-shirts and shorts), but I guess that look works for her. "I'm an athlete mom, not some girly girl," she explains. Point taken. While I'm totally relieved okay with the improvement in her personal hygiene, there's one change in my near-teenage daughter that I can tell is going to cause me great angst for the next five-plus years: her complete lack of interest in sharing anything personal with me.

How did a woman like me who shares everything with everybody, end up with a daughter who doesn't want to tell me squat? When I try to talk to her, I get one word responses that provide me with just enough information to consider the question answered. No attitude or sneering or complete silence involved, but absolutely no details either. For example, when I ask whether she and the boyfriend remain a couple, I get (with no eye contact whatsoever) "Mm hmm." When I suggest she might want to talk to me about him she responds with, "What do you want me to say? You already know him." It's quite clear that Abby will volunteer nothing over the next five-plus years, which means I better figure out the right questions to ask.

Upon further reflection, I should have expected this.

The Christmas when Abby was nine-years-old, I gave her a copy of the popular American Girl book, The Care and Keeping of You. This book offers a way out for those of us who don't want to have this conversation an ideal starting place for the mom/daughter conversation about changing bodies. It covers everything from deodorant and haircare to breasts and periods to friendship and healthy eating. When Abby received the book, I recall a grimace after which it was promptly forgotten. Or so I thought. The next day I suggested to Abby that we talk about it. From there, the conversation went something like this:

"I've already read it."

"All of it?" 

"Yes." 

"Oh. What did you think?" 

"I really didn't need to know all that."

We never did talk about that book. Thank goodness for 5th grade health class or Abby might find herself asking the boy at the bus stop what a period is when she gets to that place in Are You There God, It's Me Margaret? Yes, I did.

So what's a mother to do with a daughter like Abby? Do I force the conversations knowing she'll avoid eye contact and shuffle her feet and behave as though I'm holding her against her will? Do I hope she's got it all figured out and that her friends are providing her with reliable information? (That was a joke.) Do I try to explain that "You don't really 'love him so much.' Here's what love is...?" (Good luck with that.) Do I ask our youth minister to speak to them, warning that God will strike them down should they ever lay a finger on each other?" (Seems like a good time for the scary version of God.)

I know, I know. You're reading this and admonishing me to talk to her, regardless of my her discomfort. Okay. You're right. I know you're right. I'm going to get right on it.

I just think it's prudent to give it another month to see if they're still a couple. These sixth grade relationships generally don't last very long.

 

Girl Stuff

In our elementary school, 5th graders see "the movie." Students know "the movie" is coming from early on, especially if they have older siblings. We parents receive notice from the school nurse and guidance counselor regarding the date of "the movie," and we're offered an opportunity to review and approve it for our child, and to be prepared to discuss it. If it comes to that. I did not review the movie.

When Ian saw "the movie" three years ago, I tried to get Rob to have "the talk" with him soon after. It didn't happen as I directed suggested. In fact, I'm pretty certain Ian and Rob still haven't had "the talk." I offered to take the lead, and even had a brief "chat" with Ian once, but that's as far as we got. Now that he's clearly interested in the fairer sex, I think it might be time for Rob to finally step up to the plate. But this isn't about Ian and Rob. This is about Abby and (gulp) me.

Abby saw "the movie" last week. I think it was last week. Could've been two weeks ago. Or two days ago. The point is, I wouldn't know. I forgot to mark down the date of this milestone, and Abby never mentioned it. If it hadn't been for another mom's comment about it, I may have forgotten about "the movie" all together.

I asked Abby about "the movie" yesterday. I asked her what she thought. She nonchalantly replied, "It was all in the book." "The book" she was referring to is The Care and Keeping of You, an American Girl title I had given to her two or three years ago for Christmas. I had heard good things about it and Abby was an American Girl fan, so I thought it would make a nice gift that she and I could uncomfortably discuss bond over later.


Purposely keeping this image small
so as not to freak out my male readers.

For those of you not familiar with The Care and Keeping of You, it is basically a book about the female body for pre-teens, covering everything from acne, braces, and lice, to underarms, breasts, and bellies. And then there's the section on "Big Changes." Self explanatory, right? The book is nicely done with very detailed illustrations. As in pictures of stages of development. And "How to Insert a Tampon." I wish I'd had this information when I was in college going through puberty.

My giving Abby "the book" was not particularly well thought out. The day after the Christmas I gave it to her, I suggested that we sit down and review it together. I was looking forward to a good mom moment for which I could pat myself on the back. That special time together went something like this:

Abby, let's look at the book I gave you.

I read it last night.

You read it last night?

Yes.

How much of it?

All of it.

All of it?! What did you think?

I didn't need to know all that.

We haven't talked about the book or any "girl stuff" since.

But now that Abby is eleven and has seen "the movie," I really think it's time for her and me to chat. I'm pretty sure she's not going to want any part of it, if her reaction to "the movie" is any indication. When I asked her about the "feminine product samples" she received that day in school, she dismissed me with a quick, "I threw it in a drawer somewhere in my room." Given that Abby has not willingly put ANYTHING, including her clothes, in a drawer in over a year, I'm sensing she's going to be one of those ultra-private girls. I had to search her drawers for a while in order to find it, buried like some trashy novel under a pile of soccer socks.

All my blunders where this "girl stuff" is concerned has resulted in my developing a plan. This time I'm going to do it right. I'm going to turn to the woman who taught me everything I needed to know about growing up:

Judy Blume.

Think Abby will like Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret?

The Walk & Talk about the Birds & Bees

Ian had an eventful weekend. On Saturday, he celebrated his 12th birthday with a party/sleepover. And on Friday evening, I made him take a neighborhood stroll with me while we talked about boy/girl stuff. I guess the good news is that Ian hates walking so much that the talking part didn't seem as bad in comparison.

I wouldn't have had to have the "talk" with Ian if my husband was doing his job. For about nine months now (the irony of that length of time isn't lost on me), I've been asking him to talk to Ian man-to-man. I wanted this conversation to take place before Ian had health class in school. Well, health class ended last week and still Rob has said nothing. Hence, the walk & talk with mom.

So you're probably wondering what I said and how it went. Well, it was rather spur of the moment and I didn't know what I wanted to cover, so needless to say I stammered through it. I stuck to the emotional aspect of things, acknowledging that health class probably covered most of the technical stuff, and for anything distinctly male, his Dad was going to have come through. I generally covered:

• Respecting girls/women
• Never doing anything with a girl that she doesn't want to do
• Sex being more than just a physical act and how your brain and heart need to be involved
• The significance of the "first time" and why you need to be an adult, in love, and in a committed relationship

That last one was a toughy. I threw in "ideally after marriage," but I couldn't bring myself to sell it to him as gospel (no pun intended). Yes, I'm a Christian, and yes, I know what I'm supposed to say. I also know that admitting this may get me thrown out of my own Freakin' Angels club and may result in me being shunned at church on Sunday, but I don't know that I believe waiting for marriage makes someone a better Christian or even makes for a better union between husband and wife. Yikes, there, I said it. Let the barrage of comments begin.

But back to Ian. So how did he take our "talk?" Pretty well, actually. When I asked him what he thought about everything, he said he thinks waiting for marriage is the way to go. Of course, it's possible he said that just so we wouldn't have to have this conversation again until his wedding night.