Ian had an eventful weekend. On Saturday, he celebrated his 12th birthday with a party/sleepover. And on Friday evening, I made him take a neighborhood stroll with me while we talked about boy/girl stuff. I guess the good news is that Ian hates walking so much that the talking part didn't seem as bad in comparison.
I wouldn't have had to have the "talk" with Ian if my husband was doing his job. For about nine months now (the irony of that length of time isn't lost on me), I've been asking him to talk to Ian man-to-man. I wanted this conversation to take place before Ian had health class in school. Well, health class ended last week and still Rob has said nothing. Hence, the walk & talk with mom.
So you're probably wondering what I said and how it went. Well, it was rather spur of the moment and I didn't know what I wanted to cover, so needless to say I stammered through it. I stuck to the emotional aspect of things, acknowledging that health class probably covered most of the technical stuff, and for anything distinctly male, his Dad was going to have come through. I generally covered:
- Respecting girls/women
- Never doing anything with a girl that she doesn't want to do
- Sex being more than just a physical act and how your brain and heart need to be involved
- The significance of the "first time" and why you need to be an adult, in love, and in a committed relationship
That last one was a toughy. I threw in "ideally after marriage," but I couldn't bring myself to sell it to him as gospel (no pun intended). Yes, I'm a Christian, and yes, I know what I'm supposed to say. I also know that admitting this may get me thrown out of my own Freakin' Angels club and may result in me being shunned at church on Sunday, but I don't know that I believe waiting for marriage makes someone a better Christian or even makes for a better union between husband and wife. Yikes, there, I said it. Let the barrage of comments begin.
But back to Ian. So how did he take our "talk?" Pretty well, actually. When I asked him what he thought about everything, he said he thinks waiting for marriage is the way to go. Of course, it's possible he said that just so we wouldn't have to have this conversation again until his wedding night.
4 comments:
Let me be the first to congratulate you on having the talk. Just curious about what you might say or do differently with your girl when it's time. No judgment on the pre-marital sex part of your talk. It's best to be honest with your kids (and yourself) and if you can't honestly say waiting until marriage is best then it would probably be wrong for you to say it. Kids (and most everyone else) will know when you're not being truthful and it generally has the opposite effect of what you would like. That said, aside from being a good Christian and a loving spouse, I personally think there may be at least one or two other good reasons to wait. That's based on my own experiences and trials, and therefore they may not be relevant for everyone.
Give yourself another few years and see if your perspective changes. Having a teenage son who went from zero interest in girls for 16.5 years to suddenly being in a "committed relationship" I am thankful that we have talked for several years about sex being a gift that God gave to husbands and wives and that our Biblically-based family values support that view, period, discussion encouraged. Now being fully immersed in the teen scene, as a parent, I am often overwhelmed by the amount of gray area my kids are asked interpret on a daily basis, as well as the numerous slippery slopes they are expected to navigate, usually without my helping hand. From my current perspective, it seems to me that much of life is virtual reality for them, so if you don't explain whose Truth is truest, they may have a difficult time discerning fact from fiction. And that literally scares the Hell out of me.
I think that regardless of our spiritual and religious beliefs, we need to be realistic with our kids. Acknowledging the reality of what actually goes on these days gives you some serious street cred -- and opens the door for when Ian really needs advice or to talk. By taking a hard line and saying aboslutely none of THAT until you get married, you are guranteeing that he will never come to you for advice in that department and will probably lie to you if asked about his feelings on the subject. Ian should always feel comfortable telling you that he had Swedish Fish for dinner (no, readers - that is not a euphemism -- it s reference to another excellent post here at Freakin Angels)
So, when can you talk to Noah?
Probably no need to take the hard line but if you think pre-marital sex would be a wrong thing to do then you should say so. Kids need boundary's and too many parents aren't setting them. As far as coming to you with his feelings, you can bet if he gets a young teenager pregnant or contracts a STD you will most assuredly be among the first to find out regardless of how hard or soft your line.
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