"You're going to kill me, but...You can say you're not interested when he calls...He gets paid just to give you the presentation..."Excellent. I was avoiding answering the phone as if I had bill collectors after me. But my husband didn't play along. When CKG called, he handed the phone over to me, and I had every intention of telling him, thanks but no thanks. I'm poor. I'm cheap. I'm not interested. He told me was a college student. How well he's doing with the CKG thing. How he gets paid just to give me the presentation. And we scheduled an appointment for the next day. Crap. I managed to blow off the police officers fund-raising call the day before but I couldn't get rid of CKG.
The next day, I prepare myself mentally and emotionally for this meeting, knowing I can kick this kid's butt if he won't take my firm "NO" for an answer. CKG shows up with his trusty sidekick Malik, a pre-med student on "a personal break" from Pitt's pre-med program. We settle in at the dining room table and he starts his dog and pony show. Tells me they recruited him for the job and he's already an assistant manager and it's great for a college kid like him and he's only 18 (though his birthday's tomorrow) and next summer he might decide to "Go Branch" meaning he'd have his own office. Whew. That's more impressive than my job history.
He asks me for the penny that he had me put in the refrigerator last night when we set up the appointment. I ask him if the demonstration would have worked if I had forgotten to refrigerate my coin. "Yes. That's just to help you remember our appointment." Ah, very crafty. I can see I may be in trouble here. He uses those killer Cutco scissors to cut a curly-q around the edge of my shiny penny. I can now use it as a cork-screw. And later, I can use the same scissors to cut the dog's hair, split chicken breasts, trim the azalea bushes, and make paper snowflakes. Amazing.
CKG shares with me Cutco's history and the details of knife production. I get a full run down on the advantages and disadvantages of common knives. I learn that planned obsolescence is a factor in the shoddy quality of other brands. I find out that Mr. Cutco spent $20 million on his knife handle design alone. And the steel is the highest quality available. And the guarantee is for a lifetime. Even if you mistakenly melt your cutlery in the oven in a plastic bag (as someone actually did), they'll take care of you.
CKG asks me to get out my three favorite knives. I know this will be a turning point. I know my knives suck. We cut leather and braided rope with my knives and his. Guess who wins.
The power goes out. The kids start fighting like banshees. The dog detects food scent in CKG's backpack. Chaos reigns with the rain outside. The pressure builds. Do I need the steak knives or don't I?
I settle on the Studio Block. CKG throws in the shears for free. I'm out $481.24.
He asks for the names of family and friends.
"The most helpful thing you can do for me today," he says.I guess the $481.24 purchase wasn't a big deal for him. I waffle. I ponder. I question the ethics of feeding my friends to the CKG. I consider a few enemies but decide that won't work since he'll use my name when he calls them. He tells me with just five names I'll get another entry into the $1,000 cash giveaway drawing. I cough them up. I sell them out.
Andria, Kathy, Linda, Mindy, and Emily. I'm sorry. But I really think you need new cutlery, and these Cutco knives are the best!
7 comments:
Oh man -- you caved! Doug and Mo sold us out a few months ago. I thought when you got this call - it was because Dave sold YOU out. We got the presentation and bought 0 -- because Dave was the audience. I would have spent thousands of dollars, I'm sure. No worries, we can say that we got the presentation already. :)
Kim, I love this- hilarious! I too was "recommended" to the CKG by my sister-in-law over the summer but I managed to abruptly leave the country only to return in time to get the kids to school by Labor Day.
I am sure you will be quite happy with your new utensils!!
xo
Em, CKG recognized your name and remembered presenting to Dave, so I think you're safe!
Man. That clean cut, nice young man, hard working college kid thing is really working for him!
I see their spiel hasn't changed. I had the presentation 18 years ago. When the poor CKG asked what kind of knives I used, I told him Henkels. He was very disappointed to hear that. He knew I already had excellent knives. In fact I still use the same knife I bought in 1984. And Kim if you bought the tuna can scooper,spreader thing - DON'T lick it. A friend of mine did that, nasty cut on the tongue.
Finally reading this!!! No worries, I never answer my home phone! And I am utterly offended, I have quite fancy knives I will have you know! LOL
Ha ha ha ha! Sucker! I used to do the door to door sale thing (water treatment not crappy knives) and they told us to use the same spiel. The "I get paid to do the presentation" line is how they spin if-you-don't-get-in-the-door-to-do-a-presentation-it's-impossible-to-get-a-commission angle. Enjoy the knives. Thankfully you won't actually use them much so you won't have to take frequent advantage of the lifetime sharpening which you would need since the steel doesn't hold an edge for very long.
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