Back to School Preparation Analysis (aka, Why You Couldn't Go to the Movies with Me)

It has come to my attention that I should be getting ready for school.

This morning, in an effort to escape a dreary day of toilet cleaning, laundry folding, and catering to a sick kid (who damn well better be feeling fine for school tomorrow), I sent out an APB to my so-called friends in search of a date for a matinee showing of "Our Idiot Brother." In more than one instance, I got the lame excuse was told that they were too busy "getting ready for school tomorrow."

This either means:

1. My friend(s) just didn't want to spend time with me and back-to-school preparations seemed like a legitimate excuse;
2. My friend(s) wanted to spend time with their child(ren) as part of an end-of-summer last hurrah that I could in no way identify with;
3. My friend(s) has serious organizational challenges and therefore requires a minimum of 12 hours prep for any activity involving more than brushing ones teeth
4. I am up the creek without a paddle and bound to be completely overwhelmed at 6:30 a.m. tomorrow morning

I really don't think the correct answer is #4. In my eight years of back-to-school experience, getting ready has involved:

• School supplies. This is generally done well in advance if your child nags you about it like mine does.  Even if you waited till the day before school, this should take an hour, tops. 
• A backpack. Often part of the back to school supplies. Hint: Buy Land's End or L.L. Bean and the same backpack you had last year will be good to go. 
• The back-to-school outfit. If you only have a son(s), this doesn't apply to you. With girls, back-to-school clothes shopping should definitely be done well ahead of time. If you waited till the last minute for this, I understand why you can't go to the movies, and I'm glad I'm not you. 
• Signing papers. Regardless of all the technological advancements we have made in the past few decades, school administrative paperwork is still stuck in the dark ages. If you waited until today to tackle these forms, they should take you ten minutes. Longer if you actually read what you're signing and give serious consideration to emergency contacts.
• Grocery shopping for school lunches. School lunch items should have been part of your regular shopping trip last week. If you want to go to the movies and have no school lunch food in the house, tell the kid(s) to buy what the cafeteria is serving tomorrow. I've heard great things about school lunches these days.
• Making school lunches. Unless, God help you, you have seven school-age children, lunches should not take more than 15 minutes to make. Of course, I'm assuming you're not baking the bread, grinding the peanuts, and stomping the grapes yourself.

Based on this to-do list, as long as you didn't wait till today to buy the back-to-school outfit, "getting ready for back-to-school" should take no more than 80 minutes. 

Let's say you're a little more neurotic involved than I am. You might need to add time for:

• Laying out clothes for your child to wear tomorrow. If you're still doing this, stop. Let the kid express him/herself, even if it means nothing matches. If you are a control freak/my sister must do this, it shouldn't require more than 10 minutes of your time. Or else your child has way too many clothes.
• Bathing/showering. Even with time spent de-tangling Rapunzel's hair, I hope your child doesn't require more than 30 minutes in the bathroom. 
• Parental self-preparation. Okay, let's say you need to iron your clothes (but who does that, besides Doug Fischer?), review your work itinerary, and make yourself a lunch (good for you, saving money that way), that's maybe an hour.
• Devotions/prayer/quiet time. If you're upset about the little ones going off to school, get over it you may need some quiet time for reflection. You may want to look at photo albums and get misty-eyed over the good old days when they were still suckling at mother's breast. Don't do this for more than two hours, please, or we'll need to stage an intervention.

We'll take my 85 minutes and add a generous 220 minutes in case you're a little nutty. That comes to 305 minutes or roughly 5 hours. If you require five hour of prep time to get your kids on the bus in the morning, well, words just can't describe what advice I'd like to give you right now. I would, however, say you still could have spared two hours to go to the movies with me, especially since I'll be the one you'll call after the kids decide they'd rather die than be seen in public with you. 

 Just sayin'.

P.S. Never did go to the movies.