Give Us a Call When it's Your Turn

I am not the picture of tact or decorum. I also work in marketing. The two may be related, although Christian publishing doesn't really give my tackiness an opportunity to shine. Still, it takes a lot to offend me. There was that KY ad last year, and now, Arlington Family Services has won my yuck award.

When I saw the envelope in the mail with the return address of "Arlington Family Services," my first thought was that one of the kids had reported us for neglect. Most likely Ian since we left him at the soccer field on Sunday. (It was totally his fault). With my heart pounding and my blood pressure elevated, I opened the envelope to find...a letter from a funeral home/cemetery. This is what it said:

With the recent passing of your neighbor, Arlington Family Services would like to express our condolences. It is a sad time for all who know this family. They will need your support and prayers. 

We are grateful to our families that put their trust in us to perpetually care for their departed loved ones. 

Over the past 115 years, Arlington Cemetery has provided  a beautiful and tranquil place...We welcome our community to pay our facility a visit and see why our families feel such comfort knowing that their loved one is in good hands.

The problems with this letter are truly too numerous to mention, but I'll give it my best shot:

1. What if I had no idea someone died? You could have at least told me who you were talking about.
2. What if the person who died was my mortal enemy? Maybe his dog pooped on my lawn and his kid ran over my flowers and he kept me awake playing the bongo naked all hours of the night (or that might just be my Matthew McConaughey fantasy). In that case I would not want their condolences, I might want their congratulations.
3. What if the family of the person who died are atheists or agnostics and don't believe in prayer? 
4. "Their loved one is in good hands?" Yes, for us Christians, those hands are God's. If you don't believe in God or heaven, good hands don't matter either way. Dead is dead. Nothing you can do to improve upon this. Sorry if I'm unwilling to give Arlington Family Services credit for walking the deceased into the great hereafter. 

And then there is the sheer tackiness of using someone's death to promote your services. Yes, realtors regularly take advantage of a neighbor selling their home to promote themselves, but home sales are frequently a good thing, or at least they're rarely a terribly sad thing. The realtor may want you to know a neighbor is selling to help them find a buyer (which you might be happy to do, particularly if you don't like them--see #2 above), or they may want you to know they sold your neighbor's home which is a bit braggity, but might also bring you joy if you didn't like your neighbor (see #2 above). 

Frankly, I would have more respect for a notice that said:

"Your neighbor [name here] has passed away. We thought you would want to know so you can send a sympathy card. Or throw a party, depending on how you felt about them." 

The approach Arlington Family Services has taken is a turn off all the way around. It's not honest, it's not sympathetic, it's just yucky.

Disagree with me? I'd love to know how you can possibly justify this tacky approach to marketing you see it. Do tell.

P.S. Did I mention they included a business card? I'll be sure to hang that on my bulletin board so I know who to call when it's time to select the "good hands" to guide me into life eternal.