But it looked so nice in the pictures!

Just returned from a week on Long Beach Island with my parents, my sister, her husband and son, and my family. It's the first time we've vacationed together since my nephew William was born three and half years ago, and the first time we've rented a vacation home together since my sister got married.

Freakin' Sister

Having spent 144 hours, 13 minutes, and 27 seconds together, I could dish about family dynamics but they all read my blog in the interest of family harmony, allow me to instead share a little bit about how things looked:

Abby and William

• As always, my nephew looked freakin' adorable.
• My freakin' sister looked great. I've been working out for two years and she looks better than me after exercising for two months. And she had a different bikini for each day. And matching cover-up. And her fancy hat.
• My brother-in-law looked (and ran) like a poster boy for Men's Health.
• My kids looked happy, except when they were fighting. But after Ian left for a different vacation (seriously, he flew to GA to be with friends), Abby looked bored.
• My husband looked content and carefree (understandable since he's not related to any of us).
• My parents looked pleased to have us all together.
• My dad's boat looked clean. It always looks clean. Dad is rather committed to cleanliness, yet even he can't compare to my brother-in-law in that regard. But that's a different post.

And then there was the house...

I searched on-line for a rental with very specific requirements:

1. Minimum of four bedrooms
2. Boat dock
3. Cheap

I think "cheap" is where I went wrong. Wouldn't be the first time. Probably won't be the last. I also went wrong when I signed a contract and paid for the house without seeing it first. Hey, it looked good in the pictures! But then "looks can be deceiving." Yes indeed, they can.

My third mistake? Asking my parents to check out the house during one of their springtime visits to the shore. They reassured my sister and me and said it was nice (or maybe the word was "fine"). But here's the thing:

My parents aren't hard to please snobs.

My sister is. Okay, maybe she's not a snob, but she's definitely hard to please. She's been known to bring hotel managers to tears and has even found fault with the Four Seasons. I won't invite Dawn to my house because I can't possibly live up to her high standards.

To be fair though, this place had even me whining and complaining and you know I rarely whine and complain. My sister was trying to be nice for maybe the first time in our relationship by staying pretty quiet on the subject so I figured I should bitch on her behalf. 

So what was wrong with this lagoon front property that looked "nice" in the pictures?

Television #2 in the dungeon downstairs.

• It was missing a bed. And AC vents in two bedrooms. And one of the stove burners. And an iron. And a working DVD player.
• One of the home's two televisions turned out to be from the 1970s. Seriously. Does anyone even remember how to get up and change a channel manually?
• It wasn't until Friday evening that we figured out how to maintain a reasonable indoor temperature. Most mornings we woke up freezing after having sweated our cajones off all day.
• The carpets were filthy.
• The leather furniture was dirty (we know because my sister actually wiped them down; she shares her husband's obsessive-compulsive commitment to cleanliness)
• The artwork was disturbing.
• The bottom floor, where three of the four bedrooms were located, smelled musty and moldy.
• All the bed mattresses rested on plywood. Nary a box spring to be found.

I realize all this is "First World Problem" stuff and I should quit my bitchin'. The thing is, we've been spoiled. But honestly, we weren't always like this.

Twenty years ago I was renting a shore house with Rob and friends where the three inch deep purple shag carpeting was harboring a host of mystery tenants. And people were sleeping on it. And on the nasty couches (the fabric kind that you couldn't wipe down with an anti-bacterial wipe, even if we had antibacterial wipes back then).  Kitchen surfaces were covered with a variety of sticky substances. Bathrooms were growing things more commonly found in science labs.  No problem. You drink enough and you don't notice.

But fast forward to spring break 2011 and where are we? Beachfront, multi-million dollar property in Pine Island on the Outer Banks. Clean floors. Working appliances. Real beds. Classy decor. Up-to-date technology. An in-ground pool, a hot tub, and an elevator for cryin' out loud. Once you go big, you can never go back.

The good news is that despite our less than swanky accommodations, we really did enjoy each other's company last week. And should we decide to do it again, I'll be sure to let my sister pick the house. I'll start socking away the money now, just in case.