If You Think Reentry is Tough on Astronauts...

Comparatively, this is a breeze

You've probably heard of prisoner reentry and space shuttle reentry, but are you familiar with the challenges of college student reentry? If you ask any parent of a college student who's returned home for the summer, most likely they will be happy to lie down on your couch for an hour, perhaps with a box of tissues, and share their personal joy...and pain. 

The "reentry process" was recently mentioned in a conversation with a friend whose oldest daughter just returned home from her first year at Carnegie Mellon. I suggested the topic would make for a great blog post and she very quickly expressed enthusiasm for the idea, perhaps because it would be cathartic and cost a lot less than a session of professional counseling. With that introduction out of the way, I'm pleased to share the angst and frustration of my friend, Christine (and I must say it's nice when the frustration and angst belong to someone other than me).

Reentry, or What They Don’t Tell You 

When Your Kid Goes Off to College

I have three lovely daughters.  They range in age from 19 to 10 (the one in the middle is 14).  Last year, my eldest graduated from high school. After a grueling year of applications and anxiety, she packed up and went off to college in Pittsburgh.  I heard a lot at the time from friends who had sent their oldest (or their youngest or their only) off to college and knew all about the feelings of sadness (or euphoria) one was supposed to experience when the fledgling left the nest. To tell you the truth, in August, when we dropped her at her campus and helped her carry boxes and bags up to her fourth floor dorm room, I was relieved.  I was relieved that she had made it to college and that she was happy to be going where she was going.  I was also relieved that one less female personality was going to be clashing with the other female personalities in my house for the next nine months.  Imagine reducing the PMS tension by 25%, or 33% if you discount the fact that my youngest has yet to reach puberty! Oh, we saw her several times during the year. I was always happy to see her, but it is easy to treat someone as a guest when you know that in 48 hours they are flying back to their own place. 

What I didn’t realize was what it would mean to have her come back for the summer.  Your friends don’t tell you about that.

I picked her up a month ago and brought her home. It was great to see her again and to see the stress of finals lifted from her shoulders. She had a job lined up and a brief vacation and seemed for all intents and purposes a young adult ready to blossom. I forgot momentarily that she is also still a daughter and an older sister and, as much as it pains me to say it, a teenager. Within days of her return, old patterns began reasserting themselves. There were the kid fights, such as grappling for control over electronics, clothes and shoes and whether or not it is appropriate for a fourteen year old to get her hair done for a dance.  And there were the parental challenges. For example, does she really think she gets to tell me which car I can drive? I operate under the impression that having my name on the title gives me some rights, but she begs to differ. And is it unreasonable to expect some help with dishes or errands or running her sisters around, now that she is back in my house, eating my food and invariably at the end of the day slumping on my couch with the remote to my television in her hand?

I realized at some point in the last week that we are back to fighting the same teenage battles, just without the same rules. What do you hang over the head of a 19 year old with an attitude? Can I say she can’t take the car when she has a job she needs to drive to? Can I tell her she can’t invite ten friends over at 11 p.m. on a Friday because I have an early morning appointment the next day? When she is managing to lose her temper with everyone in the house, do I really resort to the “Who do you think pays your tuition?” threat?   The truth is, she is a good person, with the potential to be a great person. But she is still a kid and still my daughter and still living under my roof, for the summer at least. 

Any ideas on how to find a new equilibrium?  Success stories are welcome.  Failures are appreciated if related with a sense of humor. We can always learn from the mistakes of others, especially if they are entertaining.