We may have already talked about this (and a heck of a lot of good it did)

Dear Ian and Abby –

Back in April, when we returned from Spring Break, we had "the talk," a family discussion in which I expressed my need for more assistance around the house. Unfortunately, that hasn’t happened quite like I hoped it would. For the most part, you still don't do shit around here your work detail has included emptying the dishwasher and putting away your clothes. And even those small tasks require me to nag ad nauseam multiple reminders.

The additional jobs I asked you to help with have been basically forgotten:

• Wiping the table after meals
• Rinsing dishes and put them in the dishwasher
• Picking up after yourselves (when you get something out, put it back where it belongs)
• Bringing in the empty garbage cans on trash day (without being asked)

You can see how short that list is; I really don’t think I’m asking too much, particularly when I add up the value of the freakin' electronics in this household. The electronics that I don't play with, by the way. I won’t go into the whole bit about how I never would have told my parents to “wait” or even boldly said "no" when asked to do something. I won't mention that I never would have gotten away with the consistent whining or blatant ignoring of requests directives, from my parents. But I realize that’s my fault. I’ve allowed you both to get away with that insubordinate crap for years, and now I’m finding it difficult to change your behavior. Only when I show signs of mental or emotional collapse do I get the support I'm looking for around here.

Given that I have done the bulk of the work I requested of you this summer, I am now going to issue this assignment: On Friday, after we have returned from another special outing for you both (Globetrotters, boardwalk rides, and beach), you are going to spend as long as it takes (in other words, all day if necessary) to thoroughly clean your bedrooms. “Thoroughly” is defined as the following:

• Picking up everything that doesn’t belong on the floor (ex: clothes, nail polish, baseball cards, video games, shopping bags, duffel bags, backpacks, books, posters, water bottles, food items, etc.) and disposing of it properly or putting it where it belongs.
• Clearing out what doesn’t belong under your bed or between the wall and your bed; see list above. The only things that belong there are large items like artwork, chalkboards, plastic bins, and dust bunnies.
• Removing everything other than knick knacks (decorative items) from the tops of your tables, nightstands, and dressers. This includes clothes, dirty tissues, water bottles, food wrappers, paper, books you aren’t reading, etc.
• Emptying suitcases, duffel bags, backpacks, etc. that probably still contain items from summer trips. Check out the ones thrown in your closets as well. Any that are filled with rotted food, moldy bathing suits, or dead animals, should be immediately taken to the trash. And I mean the big trash can outside.

Under no circumstances will “cleaning” take the form of shoving miscellaneous items into already over-flowing drawers in which they don’t belong, or throwing them into your closet so they’re out of view. Such attempts at cleaning will result in beatings until morale improves beatings until shit gets done right additional unpleasant assignments like scrubbing the driveway, cleaning the oven, and using a toothbrush to clean the grout between the bathroom tiles.

Until your bedrooms are cleaned to my satisfaction, there will be no duct tape projects, nail painting, play dates, trips to the pool, hula hooping, or television for Abby, and no Xbox, computer, or television for Ian. Oh, and my iPad is off limits for both of you.

From this point forward, each Saturday will begin with a time of general bedroom clean up. The neater you keep things during the week, the less you will have to do on Saturdays. You are both exceptionally bright children so it may occur to you that simply putting away what you get out should do the trick. If you choose to make no effort during the week, Saturdays may end up being your least favorite day of the week.

Given the vastness of the project before you, if you would like to get a head start today, feel free. Otherwise, plan on spending much of the day Friday in clean up mode (and note that the weather is supposed to be spectacular).

Any questions regarding this directive can be addressed to your father because I don't want to hear it. He will enforce these instructions or risk being banished to the couch for the unforeseeable future. And please note that whining and complaining about this assignment will not be tolerated.

Love, your PMS-ing pissed off Mom