Scientists Identify Painful Maternal Condition

Scientists have made a not-so-astonishing discovery that they have termed "maternitis." For purposes of this blog, however, we will call it the mom-factor. Or "MF" for short (go ahead, add the "er" on there; you know you want to). Every mom has experienced this maddening condition. It starts out innocently enough, usually in the familiar setting of the home. It often looks something like this:

Mom and dad are in the house at the same time. They may even be in the same room. It's possible they are actually sitting next to each on the couch. 

Enter offspring in need.

And MF kicks in. When afflicted with maternitis, a child will lose sight of their father. Some sort of paternal eclipse occurs, a temporary blinding that leaves the child unable to recognize the man in the house as one of the individuals responsible for their very existence.

What transpires next is mysterious and upsetting and not for the faint of heart.

The child in need, like a heat-seeking missile, will always seek out mom.

Mom may be sitting at the table with Dad. She's surrounded by a dozen large books and furiously working on her doctoral dissertation. Dad is reading the sports section. As a result of maternitis, the child will immediately throw him/herself at mom with a request for help studying for a spelling quiz. Or he/she may ask why there are no clean cereal bowls. And apparently clean underwear are also in short supply. And only Mom can handle any of these requests.

Disturbingly, maternitis has also been known to attack when Mom is not at home. Say, for example, that she has been out  for the evening drinking with friends at a PTA meeting or charity function. Upon returning home around 10:00 p.m., one or more of her offspring announces he/she is "starving." It appears that, while blinded with MF, the child did not consider asking Dad for food. Had Mom not returned home in time, said child may have starved to death.

Unfortunately, maternitis does not only occur in the home. Consider these documented cases:

• At the beach, Mom and Dad will both be catching up on their reading. Mom reading the latest guide to world peace; dad reading Calvin & Hobbes. Child will request Mom's assistance with sunscreen, castle building, and boogie boarding. Visions of dad have again been mysteriously blocked, not by the sun, but by MF.
• While dad is driving during a 12-hour trip to a vacation destination, the children will require Mom's full attention and assistance in playing Travel Bingo, watching for state license plates, and finding the lost DS game, pencil, and friendship bracelet material. When Mom takes her turn behind the wheel, however, the children will rest/read/play nicely in the back seat allowing Dad to sleep or read in peace. 
• At a sporting event, Mom is busy keeping score and evaluating player performance for her scouting report while Dad is drinking a beer and checking out the ball girl. Children will request that Mom purchases them a soda and cotton candy, and will then require mom to get them to the bathroom so they can be sick from too much sugar. Dad will request another beer.

While maternitis affects only children, scientists are researching the possibility that this condition is closely related to OMSE---Only Mom Sees It. This condition, which has been known to afflict both men (husbands, fathers, living partners) and children, results in vision problems that can persist indefinitely if not immediately treated. Testing for OMSE includes placing a dead body in the center of a room in the home and asking family members to walk through this space. If they step over the deceased, perhaps complaining of the stench, then there is a high probability of an OMSE diagnosis.

If you or someone you know appears to be the victim of a child or spouse with MF or OMSE, please consider seeking immediate medical attention. Doctors familiar with these conditions will immediately prescribe Mom with Xanax or other mind-numbing pharmaceutical.

Good luck, and God bless.