I Work, Therefore I Am

"Mom, you're always working! We're supposed to be on vacation." My son Ian gave me grief for being on my computer, checking my work email while we were visiting my sister in Colorado over spring break. For the record, my computer time was relegated to early mornings or early evenings while the kids were watching television. Most of our sunlight hours were devoted to touristy stuff including horseback riding, panning for gemstones, walking across the world's highest suspension bridge, taking in an IMAX-like movie at the Wildlife Experience museum, eating funnel cake, taking train rides...you get the idea. At no point during these activities did I check email or make a work-related call.  I actually left the Crackberry at home. Instead, I focused entirely on keeping Ian and Abby from killing each other Ian and Abby and photographing our adventures.

So you may wonder why I couldn't stay off the computer altogether while we were on vacation. There are two simple answers:

1. I wanted to keep up with work stuff so I wasn't overwhelmed upon my return, and, 
2. I'm addicted to technology

And the less simple, but most honest and geeky answer: I love my job and I love working.

When Ian was born I had every intention of being a full-time mom. I stayed home with him for three years. And I spent about half of my days in tears. Yes, that was pre-medication, but it was also the result of feeling a lack of identity and accomplishment on practically a daily basis. I remember thinking how ironic it was that motherhood was the most important job in the world and also the only job you couldn't just quit and walk away from when you found yourself completely unsuited for it.

You might think this reaction to motherhood was just the result of post postpartum depression and being home with a newborn, but I still have many of these same feelings today and I think I figured out why:

At work I've got some level of control and most of the time I know what I'm doing. I can see the results of my efforts. After nearly 12 years doing this motherhood thing, I'm still flying by the seat of my pants. Control? Ha. I think I'll be waiting a long time for that day to come. And the results of my efforts? I hear I might get lucky with that in about 10-15 years, if all goes well.

So I confess that I did some work while on vacation. Yes, I wanted to keep the number of emails at a manageable level. But more importantly, I needed that "fix," that relief that comes with being needed and knowing the answers, and having a sense that there was something within my control. And let's face it, that kind of satisfaction is hard to come by when vacationing with a 9- and 12-year-old!

And since I'm being so honest in this post, I think Ian should fess and up and be honest too. I know darn well that he didn't give a damn about mommy working. He just wanted to use my computer.