Angry Bibliophiles and Power-Drunk Ushers Converge at Paul Simon Concert

What you are about to read is not fiction.

And, it is not a story for the weak of heart. 

The evening started out well enough. A dressing-doused Caesar salad followed by a gourmet white pizza brimming with olive oil was sure to offer up the challenge my stomach was looking for while sitting through my first Paul Simon concert. Little did I know that my stomach was to be the least of my issues that fateful night.

As my husband and I arrived at our unusually good seats in the ancient Merriam Theater in Philadelphia, I was surprised to find our neighboring concert goers reading. And not killing time on nifty electronic devices, but reading actual bound, printed material. The woman was engrossed in one of the Stieg Larsson books, while her husband was digesting a tropical fish magazine. There were additional books under their seats, because, really, you don't want to run out of reading material at a concert.

Our reading neighbors were visibly displeased to have to stand up and let us in to take our seats. If you've ever been to the Merriam Theater, you know that when it was built the average American stood just 4' 8" tall and weighed only 97 pounds. Hence, sitting comfortably in ones seat is challenging enough, not to mention getting in and out of them. Still, our kindly neighbors, despite being in the end seats, did not actually step aside to let us in but rather had us slide past them, making intimate contact in the process. This was our first sign of what was to come.

Here is a quick sequence of events that followed:

• 8:31 p.m. - I am blessed with have no wireless service in the theater so Ian texts Rob to say he doesn't feel well. Rob takes lesson from his insensitive wife and tells Ian to take a Tums and lie down. This translates into "There's no way in hell we're leaving this concert early because you ate a bunch of crap and have a stomach ache."
• 8:42 p.m. - Rob's cell phone vibrates with a a call from an unfamiliar but clearly local number. Concert neighbor lady (CNL) offers disgusted look.
• 8:43 p.m. - Cell phone "rings" again with same number. Responsible parents suddenly realize it is probably the phone number of the house where Abby is hanging out with friends.
• 8:44 p.m. - Rob apologizes to mean CNL who requires him to practically crawl over her to get out of his seat, leave the theater, and check his phone message.
• 8:56 p.m. - Kim wonders where Rob is. Should she go look for him and endure the wrath of CNL? She stays to listen to a couple more songs.
• 9:01 p.m. - Rob still has not returned to his seat.
• 9:03 p.m. - Kim decides Abby must have been involved in a tragic playdate accident and Rob is in a state of shock and unable to return to his seat. She braces herself for the evil eye of CNL while apologizing profusely for needing to get up and out.
• 9:04 p.m. - CNL actually appears to be deliberating whether to let Kim pass. Again, husband/concert neighbor man (CNM) in aisle seat refuses to step into the aisle to let Kim by. Kim feels CNM's junk in her trunk. Kim considers beating the snot out of CNL and CNM.
• 9:05 p.m.- Kim finds Rob clearly conscious and standing in the back of the theater where he was hiding out from watching the concert to avoid irritating CNM and CNL.

At this point we were prepared to give up our excellent and ridiculously pricey seats to enjoy the remainder of the concert from the back of the theater where we wouldn't bother anyone. But then we hadn't accounted for the league of power-drunken ushers.

• 9:08 p.m. - Usher 1 tells us we must return to our seats. Kim mumbles something about him needing to tell that to our psychotic concert neighbors.We make our way toward our row but are in no mood to proceed past the evil gatekeepers. We stand in aisle, pretending to dance so we look like we wanted to be there instead of seeming afraid of the angry bibliophiles.
• 9:09 p.m. - Usher 2 frantically tells us we must sit down. Kim points to dancing lady in aisle closer to the stage and suggests if she can be there, we can too.
• 9:12 p.m. - Usher 2 returns, angrily telling us we must sit down. Feeling rebellious, Kim and Rob ignore him. Now irate, Usher 2 decides to punish the row in front of us by shining a flashlight on them, looking for the illegal smart phone picture taker.
• 9:18 p.m. - Usher 2 has had enough. He insists we return to our seats immediately. Not wanting to be tossed from the theater, Kim pushes past CNL and CNM, stepping on their fat feet as hard as she can. Rob suggests to Usher 2 that he was causing much more of a distraction with his directives than we were causing by standing there. This makes no difference to Usher 2.
• 9:20 p.m. - New ushers come by with what appears to be security. They remove smart phone picture taker lady and her date from their seats.
• 9:50 p.m. - Kim and Rob leave theater and Kim vows to expose power-hungry Merriam Theater ushers on Twitter and Facebook. 

Oh, in case you're wondering:

1. Abby had called to say she was sleeping at a different friend's house.
2. Paul Simon is short.
3. Paul Simon is old.
4. Paul Simon still rocks.
5. Paul Simon's band was fantastic.
6. Kim did not follow CNL and CNM to their cars to steal their reading material and deliver an ass-whooping (though she desperately wanted to).
7. At home we found Ian was feeling well enough to still be up playing video games.