Tonight I overheard Abby telling a friend the story of how I could have been a Broadway star if it wasn’t for the lack of transportation to and from practices. Okay, that’s an exaggeration. I was really only up for the part of the Good Witch in a community theater production of The Wizard of Oz. But her telling this story this evening is ironic given that I had earlier been thinking of "what could have been."
When I was younger (teens and twenties), I had trouble living in the present. I was always anticipating what was next. At that age there are a lot of "nexts" to look forward to: graduation, first car, boyfriends, college, grad school, career, marriage, house, kids.
When you hit your thirties and forties, however, you've "been there, done that." The "nexts" start to dry up and you find yourself thinking about what could have been. At least that’s what I find myself doing more frequently.
I wonder:
- Could I have been an actress?
- Why didn’t I study abroad or travel before I got married and had children?
- Could I have been a great martial artist if I’d started thirty years ago?
- Why didn’t I work at the shore for a summer during college?
- Should I have pursued photography as a career?
- Did I mess up when I didn’t stay at that big NYC ad agency after grad school?
- Have I settled for less than I’m capable of in my work?
- Would Matthew McConaughey still have me if I came running back to him after turning him away?
The good news is that I don’t put myself through this mental and emotional exercise very often because I know I can’t go back and change history. I suppose the only way to make the angst of these head trips worthwhile is to use it to guide the decisions I have left to make and the opportunities that are still mine to pursue.
Wanna take a head trip down memory lane with me? What do you "wonder?" And what "nexts" are still on your list?
5 comments:
It's hard to see the future when you're always looking in the rearview mirror. Love that phrase and try to live it. I try not to have too many regrets --- although sometimes I think about how I almost missed great things and wonder what my life would be like if I did. As for what's next -- Im always lookin!
Probably the toughest one for me is what if Katrina never happened? I so often feel so lucky to be here in this beautiful place with trees, quiet, so much sky to be seen, great schools, supportive friends, more triathletes than I would ever have thought possible in a small town... But I do, like you, Kim, play that emotional head game of what if. In this case, it's not something that was in our control, and I've never questioned our decision of landing here afterwards, but I don't think that changes the emotional pull of what if.
I can't say that I go down the what if road with decisions that were in my control - that would drive me insane!
It's always an interesting exercise to wonder if "I coulda been a contender". Just don't dwell there. You've got so many things going for you. Plus, how could you live without Maddie?
Can't help but ask--is it true about Matthew McConaughey?
No, Alicia. Matthew is kind of a running joke with me. My husband even bought me a framed picture of him for our anniversary!
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