I have a friend, Emily, who is not only bright, witty, and a terrific writer (check out her Mothers of Brothers blog), but also happens to be seemingly fueled by the next great challenge or opportunity in her life. Whether it's achieving her black belt, completing a triathlon, or appearing on national television, Emily goes for the gusto and then moves on to conquer something else.
I am not Emily. I am not a daredevil nor a thrill seeker. I don't crave a surge of adrenalin or a rush of endorphins. In fact, trying whipped cream on my pudding when I was a junior in high school was the first crazy thing I ever did and it's still pretty high up there on my list of life-changing moments.
So why do I feel so frustrated with my son when he refuses to grab the brass ring, live life to the fullest, or climb every mountain (a shout out to the Sound of Music)? He knows the translation for carpe diem but has seemingly never grasped the concept.
When he was little(r), getting Ian to swim or ride a bike was torture. Playing sports has never given him any joy. Watching a movie that I insist he'll love (Big, E.T., The Goonies, etc.) is a no-go. Even reading a book I recommend never pans out. Trying new foods is out of the question. I often wished the kid would give in to peer pressure and join his friends in these areas, but it seems everything with Ian has to be on his terms. This will be a great thing when it comes to sex, drugs, and rock and roll, but for now it's rather maddening.
I realize this reads like a major dissing of my son, but really it's not. If I'm dissing anyone it's myself (and can 40-year-olds effectively use the word "diss"?). I've come to realize that wanting the best for our children generally means wanting them to be better versions of ourselves. And when they possess our own weaknesses and idiosyncrasies, it's frustrating beyond belief. Let's face it, who wants to see those personality traits we least like about ourselves on display in this little person we brought into the world?
Yes, letting our children be who they are meant to be, letting them discover who they are and who they will become is not an easy thing for a parent. The best we can do is model attitudes, behavior, and beliefs that will point them in the right direction. For me, becoming a black belt was as much about my kids as it was about achieving something for myself. The "real Kim" is someone who would have given up on it years ago. (My personal motto is "when the going gets tough, I'm outta here" and "If at first you don't succeed, move on to something that comes easier."). But to quit, to admit defeat, to stick to what I knew, would have sent the wrong message to Ian and Abby.
So my resolution for 2010 is to cut my kids some slack. To let Ian be Ian. To celebrate the fact that he's been blessed with a wonderful sense of humor, the gift of kindness, a bright mind, and a personality that draws people to him. And I'll do my part by trying to be a better role model. Heck, last night I tried a crab ball and oyster, so I'd say I'm off to a tremendous start! Happy New Year!
7 comments:
Well gosh darn it. Im incredibly flattered. BUT also completely thrilled that you started blogging. I think this will be a place where people come to read about parts of themselves and understand better what makes them tick. And embarking here is a great thing to do in the new year. And I would tell you that always having to find the next big thing is almost a curse. You are never at peace. So MY New Years resolution is to do LESS -- and not be so consumed with wrestling bears. I think we can learn alot from each other. And BTW Ian is the absolute best. You are right to count your blessings with him. Happy New Year!!!
Brilliant blog Kim! I can so relate to the comment about seeing our own weaknesses in our children. It is humbling and frustrating. It is so harder than anyone tells you to live a life by example. I too am striving harder every day to be the person that my son needs me to be. Someone to be proud of, someone to model and someone to aspire to. May we all learn a little patience and understanding and impart that to our children.
BTW, love the title of the blog, and want to know the reference story someday.
Jamie, thanks for your comment. It took me awhile to figure out who you were (Jamie Dee threw me off)! If you read my first post, it shares the story of the Freakin' Angels.
Love this, Kim! Always knew you were brilliant but blogging brings out your best as a writer, a thinker, and as a freakin' angel! I know you have been one in my life.
BTW, totally feeling you on frustrations about seeing your own weaknesses reflected in your offspring... Thanks for the reminder to take a step back and appreciate the fullness of who they are, for better and for worse.
Hey Kim, You're a very good writer. With an appealing touch of self deprecation, wry wit, thoughtful insight and a courageous impulsion (not to say compulsion) to reveal your innermost thoughts and feelings, you should have no trouble keeping folks coming back for more.
Is your target audience intended to be ladies of a certain age or do you plan to broaden the scope of your blog in the future?
Bob, thanks for the nice comment! While the blog will probably appeal most to women, I'm sure there will be material to amuse others. I've got a post planned about my dang dog...Should I just email you when it's something I think would interest you?
I think you are selling yourself short a little bit at least as far as TSD goes. Lots of people get their black belt and are never heard from again. You could have stopped and still been a good example for your kids but you're testing for E dan in February and you can't do that for someone else, that has to be for yourself. Keep up the good work on the blog. You've got me thinking about it too.
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