If My Children Ruled the World

When it comes to making good life decisions, I no longer have to think for myself. Instead, my kids do it for me. This was not the case when I was a child. Can you imagine having told your parents:

• I really think putting me in a car seat would be much safer.
• Could you not smoke when pregnant with my sibling? I don't want his or her growth to be stunted.
• Slow down driving, pops. You've had a lot to drink.
• You really should limit my television viewing time. All these Tom & Jerry and Road Runner cartoons could make me violent.
• A BB gun? Are you serious? I could shoot my eye out!
• Meat and potatoes again? I really need more greens in my diet.

No, I'm pretty sure our generation had too much fear of respect for our parents to point out what they might be doing wrong. But then again, I don't think our teachers were passing along many of these life-changing messages. Today, life lessons seems to be a regular theme in our schools, and because I have two authority-respecting children, these lessons make their way into my home.

For example, yesterday Abby pushed the voting thing on me as if she were personally running for office. When she calls my cell phone, she basically hangs up on me if she finds out I'm driving. And a nutrition-related field trip will result in her demanding better food choices and eating right for at least a week.

Ian is not quite as bad helpful as Abby, probably because he's a big fan of bad habits himself (junk food, computer games, television, etc). When he does feel the need to modify parental behavior, however, Ian tends to prefer the use of sarcasm. (I have no idea where he gets that.) For example, if you ask my son, he would tell you that I drink like a fish. (Those anti-drugs and alcohol school assemblies clearly affected him.) Now those of you who know me from my high school days will find this particularly amusing as I am known for requesting milk at the one and only party I attended. Though I am still a big fan of a nice cold glass of milk, I have discovered the joys of a nice cold beer as well (as every respectable German girl should). I am also not opposed to a glass of wine with dinner.

My drinking never amounts to more than a glass or two of my beverage of choice a few nights a week, tops. But Ian's snide comments would lead you to believe that a visit to AA is in order. If we are eating out and I ask for the beer menu, Ian will respond with: "Oooh, of course, mom has to have a beer!" If I stop at the liquor store for a bottle of wine, I will hear more smart ass comments. His approach does manage to make me feel like a bad parent, though not bad enough to do anything about my clearly serious drinking problem.

While all this child-directed instruction provides good fodder for blogging, I can't seriously complain. Any life lessons I can get help with are much appreciated. And if my kids actually learn something in the process, so much the better. After all, the less I have to teach them, the more time I'll have for downing a few dozen cold ones!