My Son, the Tweenager

I knew motherhood would be unbearable insane tough at times, but I really thought after surviving those first ten six four difficult years that I would be alright for the rest of it. I figured it was just the infant/toddler/pre- communication stage that I sucked at would struggle with. I was even naive enough to think someday I would rock as the super cool yet effective mother of teens.

Then my son became a tween. Tween started basically as a marketing term for those who have the most disposable income (!) and is now used to define those kids who are just starting into adolescence. Those who are too old to be thought of as children, but have not yet reached thirteen are called tweens. According to www.tweenslive.com, developmentally, a true tween is approximately eleven to twelve years old. BINGO. You've got Ian (D.O.B. 5/7/98)

I'm not positive, but I think Ian officially entered tweendom last week during the blizzard. It's as if all that family-time pushed him over the edge into a whole new stage of life. There had been moments which foreshadowed what was to come, but it seems we have really hit this thing full stride now. If you're wondering what a tween looks like, it's not so much a look. Of course, I can't always get a good look at him these days without him asking me to go away. Although sometimes he says "please" before he tells me to get lost. No, it's not a "look" that a tween has, it's more a state of being.

Recently, I bitched to commiserated with my friend Rebecca on this very topic and she used the term "quicksilver." I think that aptly describes it: Quicksilver: rapid or unpredictable in movement or change. Yes sirree, that's my boy. One minute he's happy, joking around, borrowing Calvin & Hobbes material to make us laugh. The next minute he's slamming and locking doors to keep us away from him. The other day he actually helped his sister with her homework. A short time later he announced with venom in his voice that she was ruining his life and he hated her. In a matter of minutes he can move from tears, to anger, to affection. Geez, he's starting to make me look stable!

A couple nights ago we had a brawl fight conversation over a mediocre test score and when we asked him why he should want to do well, he responded with, "so you guys don't scream at me." When we calmly explained that we never scream (at least I don't), and tried the question again, his answer was, "so I can get a job and work until I die." Now that's more like it.

In keeping with this theme of working till you die, Ian's also been lately questioning the meaning of life. He recently asked, "what's the point of our existence?" He really can't accept this notion of doing ANYTHING that's not FUN. When we explain that life costs money so you have to get a job to earn it, he suggests we return to the barter system of days of old. Is this a tween thing reflective of his generation, or is my son just weird?  I'm pretty sure at age 11 I was asking much more mundane questions like, "why doesn't that boy like me?"

And speaking of boy/girl stuff, the other day, for the first time ever (at least with us), Ian actually made a comment with sexual innuendo. He heard me tell Rob I was going to have "some one on one time with Master Aaron" (my Tang Soo Do instructor). Ian reacted with an "oooh, one on one..." And it wasn't like an "ooh, you're in trouble with the principal" kind of comment. Yikes. Time to have "the talk," Rob!


When we're not in the heat of one of these quicksilver moments, it's as if I'm watching a training video for child psychologists on the behavioral characteristics of the tween. I know in my head that's it's normal and appropriate and "just a stage." Heck, I even read about this stuff in my Real Boys book. But watching the video and reading the book just don't compare to living it.

The good news is that this should all be over with by the time he turns 13, right? And then I'll have my sweet, good-natured boy back. Someone? Anyone? A nod of agreement, please? Please...